While Watching Game 4 of the World Series...

The Houston Astros were at bat with two outs in the 9th inning, about to get swept by the White Sox in the World Series. An elderly man wearing an Astros hat and jacket, looking like he just spent a lot of money at the Astros souvenier stand, rises from his seat behind home plate and starts to clap.

Cameron: Sucks to be you, old man!

Me: Uh, that's George Bush.

Cameron: It is? Well, it still sucks to be him.

Random Confession

I rate mullets like tornadoes.

For example, if I see someone sporting a really long, Billy Ray Cyrus-style monstrosity, I'll say something like "check out the F-5 mullet on that guy!"

You'd think that since I moved to an urban area, I'd see less of these, but you'd be wrong. Thank you Dundalk and Essex.

Observe the family to the right. 1, 2, 3 textbook F-5 mullets. Which way to the Bon Jovi concert?

Anthrax Scare at Ravens Practice Facility

OWINGS MILLS, MD - Baltimore Ravens football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head Coach Brian Billick immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

More Press on the Browns/Ravens Band Incident

Let's Hear a Whistle for Band Interference - From the Baltimore Sun. A few minor factual errors, but good commentary. Where ARE the fines??

I Like to Think I Contribute

If you're at work reading my blog, you're not alone! Well, you might be alone in reading *this* blog, but Americans will waste half a BILLION years reading blogs at work in 2005.

Here's the article.

I want to personally thank you for being such lazy slackers and reading my pointless observations.

Yaaay! I waste company money! Yaaay!

I Need a Female Dog, Pronto

Okay, I hate dressing pets up as people, but this costume is awesome.

Here's the link to more.

Links From Around the Web

Article on Jamal Lewis from the Baltimore Sun - Looks like what I've been hearing and not wanting to believe is true.

Bayside Musical - They say someone dies in this play. My guess is that this time Jessie learns her lesson and dies from taking those caffeine pills.

Big money! No whammies! - This guy figured out and cheated the system on Press Your Luck.

Petition for Plummer's Mustache - Because some people equate success with a big 70's porn 'stache!

Wal-Mart Plans to Open 300 New Stores - Where on God's green earth can you possibly fit another Asshole Emporium? Unless they're aiming for ocean floors, the insides of volcanos and the Dakotas.

Slave to Target - The solution, of course, is to spend more $$$ at Target.

One More Thing to Add to the Shopping List - From T-Shirt Hell

Bush to Throw Out First Pitch - And go five inning for both the Astros and the White Sox.

The Complete Calvin & Hobbes - Just in case you're wondering what to get me for Christmas this year.

SNL Nick Burns Skits - He'll fix your computer, and then he's gonna make fun of you!

Well, That Sucked

What else can I say about this game? After it was finally, mercifully over, I came home and put on comfy pants and ate what was left of the Ben & Jerry's ice cream I had in the freezer.

I'm going to keep the stats short and sweet because they're just depressing to look at.

Bears 10 Ravens 6

Anthony Wright 18 for 32, 164 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT(!), 4 sacks, Kyle Orton 15 for 29, 145 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Rushing: Baltimore 66 yards, Chicago 143 yards

Passing: Baltimore 133 yards, Chicago 133 yards

Turnovers: 0 for each team

Penalties: Baltimore 11 ridiculous flags, giving the Bears 4 free first downs

Percentage of effort the Ravens seemed to give after Ray Ray left the game with a thigh injury about 10%. Players on the team who deserve a swift kick in the ass from Ray's injured leg (which will still hurt A LOT) all of them

Bears 3-3 and leading their terrible, horrible, no good, very bad division, Ravens 2-4 and falling behind quickly

Next week we got the Steelers on Monday Night Football, which can only mean one thing. Gems such as:

"When your arm gets hit, the ball is not going to go where you want it to."
"When you lose your best cornerback and your punt returner, I'd say that's a double loss."
"Of course, if he had had control of the ball when he hit the ground, then it would have been a complete pass."

Random Confession

I wish I could get a Shamrock Shake any time I wanted. Why should I have to suffer 11 months out of the year without them?

I would really appreciate it if Mayor McCheese would respond to my letters on this issue. I guess he has other equally pressing matters to attend to, like constantly posting bail for the Hamburglar.

O's Management: "We Only Hire Coaches With Lots of Z's in Their Names"

After firing manager Lee Mazzilli in July, Sam Perlozzo was promoted to interim manager of the Baltimore Orioles. Perlozzo was recently named manager for the 2006 season. Now former Atlanta Braves pitching coach Leo Mazzone has passed over the Wankees to join the O's on the coaching staff.

Sources close to O's management are now reporting that coaches with multiple Z's in their names are the only ones to be considered for future openings on the staff.

Fozzie Bear is reportedly in talks to become the new third base coach.

Have Another Box of Munchkins, Buster

It appears there just might be a lazier cop than those working for Baltimore Transit or Shippensburg University.

Meet Buster, a German Shepherd who used to be on the South Yorkshire police force in England. After a promising 14-week training period, Buster only lasted 6 months as a police dog and was recently relieved of his duties because he just didn't care.

It turns out he favored happy drunks and was better at sniffing out french fries than drugs. Running down criminals is also not exactly his forte, and when he gets tired of chasing muggers, theives and druggies he just lays down and takes a nap.

I say Way to Go, Buster. Why should you have to pull your weight in society when all the other dogs get to pee on carpets, eat Frosty Paws and generally do as they please? Work for a living? That's for humans.

Links From Around the Web

Ravens Band vs. Browns - Since I officially can't say anything about this, read about it here and here.

Homestar Runner Jack-O-Lanterns - Stencils for carving your own Homestar Runner pumpkins.

Magnetic Ribbons and Rubber Bracelets - A site to buy every magnetic ribbon possible to prove to the public just how charitible and giving you are. And while you're there, why not pick up some fake bullet holes for your car?

AwfulPlasticSurgery.com - No explanation needed here.

HeMan Video - A somewhat disturbing video Amy sent me. Implying that HeMan is gay? I totally didn't see that coming.

Match Game - Brian Billick appeared on Match Game in 1977 and...well it looks he should stick to just coaching football and not worry about appearing on Jeopardy's NFL week.

History of Crayola Colors - Anyone else miss Indian Red?

Elderly Man Drives Through Burger King - No, he actually drove through the front window, then proceeded to order breakfast and eat it. The Burger King just smiled creepily.


The Wisdom of DuffMan - "Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem! Oh yeah!"

Think Young - A great post from another blog encouraging adults who are caught up in trying to be mature to just have some fun and release their inner child. I am all about this!

A Win for the Home Team

After the train wreck-like implosion of the Orioles and several miserable early-season losses by the Ravens, yesterday's win over the Cleveland Browns was a huge relief, and the mounting possibility of rioting in the city was held off for another week.

Number crunch:

Final Score - Ravens 16 Browns 3

QB comparison - Ravens starting QB Anthony Wright (until the unfortunate Kyle Boller returns, rumored to be this week against da Bears) 213 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT. Former Ravens Super Bowl champ Trent Dilfer (in his worst game of the season) 147 yards, 2 fumbles, 4 sacks, 1 INT, 0 TD.

Browns Fan #1: It appears the other team has sacked our quarterback.
Browns Fan #2: (sigh) Perhaps it is time to sell the franchise.

Total passing yards - Ravens 201 Browns 116
Total rushing yards - Ravens 150 Browns 70

Ravens penalties 11

Totally unwarrented unneccessary roughness calls on Ray Lewis 1, resulting in 1 interception and 1 poor unsuspecting (and very tasty) man eaten alive by Ray Ray out of pure rage. Empty bottles of Full Moon Bar-B-Que sauce found later on the sidelines 6

Ravens Stadium Announcer: For every Ray Lewis murder, the Ravens organization will donate $1,000 to CareFirst for Healthcare for the Homeless. So far this season, the Ravens have donated $12,000.

Pre-game incidents occuring between the Ravens marching band and several Browns players and coaches which for now I can only say "no comment" 1

Ravens ankle sprains 3 (Ed Reed, Mark Clayton, Ovie Mughelli)

Browns ankle sprains 1 (Nick Speegle)

Referee knee sprains 1 (Butch Hannah, the same guy who got smacked in the face and knocked down by Ronde Barber last week). Some call it karma, I call it sweet redemption.

Ravens 2005 record 2-3, which all of the sudden doesn't seem so bad in comparison to the Browns 2-3 or the Steelers 3-2, but inexplicably behind the 5-1 Bengals of all teams.

Chances to redeem ourselves before the playoffs begin 11

Go team!

Links Work Now!

I just realized that almost all of the links I posted yesterday didn't work for some reason, so I've fixed them and they all go where they're supposed to.

And here's a bonus link: The Top 10 Bad-Ass Mofos in Sports History. I do have a hard time getting behind this list since Ray Ray only gets an honorable mention and T.O. is #9.

Links From Around the Web

Singing Girl Pounded by a Phonebook - By special request

Hummer H2 Hate Group - "What kind of mileage does that get?" "One highway, zero city."

An Essay on Plinko - A point-by-point recap of one woman's failed attempt at winning SQUAT playing Plinko on the Price is Right

I Love the 80's 3-D - I Love the 80's on VH-1 is back, just in case you didn't get enough of it in the first 20 hours

Help Me Pick a Sweater - Click on this link if you have a second and help me pick out a new sweater. There are so many here that I want to buy, but I need some opinions.

Quagmire Sound Board - Hey, isn't there a "U" in "Country?" Nope.

Beard & Mustache Championships - "It is almost unpatriotic not to grow a beard or moustache and enter the competition." Their words, not mine.

And now... a special section of links devoted to the recently departed New York Yankees.
Wankees Lose! Wankees Lose! - I had the same number of RBIs in this series as A Rod.

Rally Monkey - The Yankees got psyched out by a monkey.

Jesus Hates the Yankees - But he LOVES the Houstan Texans.

For Glory We Vie, and Our Town Will Stand High...

I'm just happy last weekend's disaster of a game against Detroit wasn't at home, because I'm pretty sure Baltimore would have burned again. Billick and the team were sure getting heated up, and just looking at Ray Lewis' eyes...I think he could have killed someone.

Still too soon? Okay.

It's a real struggle to try to put words to the events of Sunday's game, so let's just analyze a few numbers, shall we?

Detroit Lions 35, Baltimore Ravens 17

QB Comparison which does not support the above statistic: Harrington 97 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT; Wright 230 yards, 2 TD, 2 INT

Ravens penalties 21 (Only 1 shy of the NFL record)

Ravens players ejected 2, the aptly nicknamed Terrell "Man Child" Suggs and some guy named Ward

Fumbles by Joey Harrington which were really incompleted forward passes 1, which resulted in the first unearned Lions touchdown

Tries at the goal line against the Ravens D before the officials decided to just give the Lions the damn TD 8, resulting in a total of 14 undeserved points for Detroit

Commentators in the booth for CBS who just happened to be from Detroit 2

Times Brian Billick considered borrowing a knife from Ray and just ending it right then and there approximately 35 (Still too soon? Okay.)

Ravens 2005 record 1-3

#1 We are not

THIS Won a Nobel Prize?

Finding good links to post here has gotten almost TOO easy, thanks to the absurd headlines Yahoo News keeps posting.

Today there is a story about a guy who won a Nobel Prize for inventing prosthetic dog testicles. Think I'm making that up? Click here for proof.

The gist of the story is this: This sick guy went deep into debt to manufacture "Neuticles," silicone implants that come in different sizes, shapes, weights and degrees of firmness for neutered dogs. According to the article, Neuticles "allow a pet to retain his natural look and self esteem."

Is lack of self esteem really an issue for dogs? I would think their self esteem would actually be pretty high, considering they've figured out how to get humans to wander around behind them, just waiting for them to poop so we can pick it up for them. That's a pretty sweet deal for the dog. See, even this dog thinks the whole thing is funny.

This all makes me wonder how Bob Barker feels about this issue...

Leave it to the Germans!

First they invented Oktoberfest, and now this...

A beer coaster that alerts your waitress when your glass is sad and empty? Brilliant!

I'll drink to that!

Just What We Need...

MORE distracted drivers on the road!

Honda has designed a new dog-friendly car that features a built-in crate in the backseat, doggy seat belts and a smaller crate in the GLOVE COMPARTMENT that "allows owners to interact with their pets while driving." What a great idea!

Why not just let the dog drive the car while he's at it.

Links From Around the Web

Dictator or Sitcom Character? One of my favorite time-wasters. I don't think I've managed to stump it yet.

The Calvin & Hobbes Jumpstation Calvin & Hobbes: the best comic strip ever!

T-Shirt Hell Nostradamus Predicted You'd Be a Loser. (Just so you know, I wouldn't go exploring the rest of T-Shirt Hell if you don't want the newest Harry Potter book spoiled.)

Alton Brown's Blog This is entertaining and all, but I really wish he'd tell us what he really thinks of Rachel Ray.

Beastie Boys Deny Breakup Rumors Mike D:I'm glad we got this rumor cleared up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to Home Depot before coaching little league tonight.
MCA: Yeah, I'm busy too, filling out all this AARP paperwork.
Adrock: Why are we still talking? Wheel of Fortune is going to be on soon!

Television Without Pity This site posts great recaps of just about every show on TV. I love the snarky comments about 7th Heaven.

The Superficial Another great celebrity gossip blog.

Subservient Chicken A BK marketing ploy only slightly less creepy than the Burger King. You can tell the chicken what to do and it'll usually comply. Unfortunately, it apparently does not understand how to do the Carlton Dance.

Urban Dictionary Definitions on all the new slang you pretend to understand but don't really...click on random to learn a new word or two.

Joe Namath Guarantees He'll Lose Battle with Alcoholism I love the Onion's new sports section...I...wanna kiss yooooou.

One Eyebrow is One Too Few

Driving to work this morning, I saw what must be one of the world's most heinous Uni-brows. I mean, I saw it driving past a bus stop on St. Paul Street at 30 miles an hour, so you know it had to be bad.

Men, you need to realize something. I know you're terrified of ever doing anything that could be construed as gay. Aside from the glaring homophobia, you need to come to terms with the fact that hygiene is girly. And then you need to do it. Start with your eyebrows. Actually, I would say that most guys' eyebrows look pretty good the way they are, so you don't have to go crazy, and please do NOT get them waxed. All you have to do is get the few stray hairs in between. It only takes a minute and it barely hurts, I promise!

This Does Not Look Good for Homestar Runner

Which Homestar Runner character are you?

I'm the Cheat.