Silly News

It must be a REALLY slow news day at home. The front page story is that the gavel broke at a township meeting.

For the sake of comparison, some chick walking home from the Not-so-Safeway five blocks from my apartment got stabbed on Monday, and that news was buried 10 minutes into the local evening news last night.

A Quick Primer in Movie Theater Etiquette

Crappy sequel season is here. The only movie I plan to go see is the Simpsons in July. I have to really feel compelled to actually set foot in a theater rather than wait for the DVD because I'm so annoyed with the people anymore. Just to give you an idea - the last time I went to a theater was for Talledega Nights last summer.

With that in mind, I give you my friendly movie theater etiquette tips. Maybe some of the jerks I always seem to encounter will read this and shape up.

1. Turn off your phone. If you forget and it rings, do NOT answer it and proceed to carry on a normal conversation.

2. Take off your blinking Bluetooth earpiece. We can all see it, and no, we're not impressed.

3. Staying within the phone category, no text messages. The screen is blindingly bright in a dark theater. If you can't bear to be without your phone or any other gadget for two hours, don't come to the movies.

4. If you show up after the lights go down and the previews start rolling, you have forfeited your opportunity to ask anyone to move to make room for you and your friends. It's not our fault you're late.

5. Be aware that no one is interested in your running commentary, and for the love of God, do not try to spoil the movie for anyone else there.

6. If you don't get it, don't ask questions. Just be quiet and watch.

7. The TrapperKeeper rule: It's more distracting if you open a package of candy slowly than if you rip it open in one quick motion.

8. Unless it's opening night or a really packed house, give strangers the courtesy of a "bubble" seat.

9. Leave your fussy, crying babies and easily bored children at home.

10. Don't repeatedly kick the seat in front of you unless you want to get kicked in the face.

May 15 Gas Boycott...And Why It Won't Work

Every year these chain e-mails circulate, and this year it happened again. If you're on MySpace, I'm sure you got a bulletin from all your gullible friends about the May 15th gas boycott.

From CBS News:

May 9, 2007 1:39 pm US/Eastern

Gas Boycott Called For May 15

Internet Movement Seeks To Punish Oil Companies Over Sky-High Gas Prices

(CBS) As gas prices surge to record highs across the country, there's a move on the Internet for a nation-wide gas boycott on May 15.

Proponents of the gas-out say it will help punish oil companies for the sky-high prices.

Calls for the boycott come as average gas prices top $3 a gallon. CBS affiliate KPIX in San Francisco reports that one area gas station is now selling gas for $4.33 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

"Well I'm pretty much sure it's not going to go over $5. Not five, they are going to do something about it," said driver Michael Ansari.

Emails are circulating the web encouraging drivers to refuse to buy gas on Tuesday, May 15. The popular networking site, MySpace, is also calling on its members to stage a boycott.

It's a noble effort, but it's not going to work. Notice that the boycott is not encouraging drivers to use less gas, it's telling people not to pump gas on one particular day. So even if the entire U.S. population decided to go along with this and not get gas today, the oil companies wouldn't be losing any money because everyone either got their gas yesterday or will hold off until tomorrow.

Ooh, what an effective protest.

Bike to Work Week is next week. I'm not sure if this is just a Baltimore-area thing or if it's happening nation-wide, but either way that will probably work better than a lame one-day gas ban. Or how about this, maybe people can boycott ridiculous monstrosities like Hummers and giant pickup trucks that take up two lanes on the road.

That won't work. How would the kids get to soccer practice? And how would tough, masculine guys haul their...golf clubs?

Small-Town Newspaper Headline of the Day

Oh, the Record Herald. It's the slightly out of touch and poorly proofread newspaper from my hometown of Waynesboro. What a culture shock, moving from a small PA town to Baltimore, and comparing the front page news.

Today when I visited their web site, this is the headline I saw:

Area Hispanics Preparing for Cinco de Mayo Holiday

In this overly PC society we live in, this kind of shocked me, to be honest. I wonder what the writer's research process was like. Find the owner of the sketchy Mexian joint on Main Street...check. Interview the high school Spanish teacher...check. Talk to the executive director of the Hispanic American Center in Chambersburg (did not know this even existed)...check. And then what? Look through the phonebook for any Hispanic-sounding names and call them up to talk about Cinco de Mayo?

I also love the accompanying photo. Ok, so we've got the kids from Spanish class gathered together, but they don't look like they're ready to party...Here, you wear this sombrero, and you can hold the maraccas!

Perfect!

Explain to Me What "Funny" Is

Don't judge. That's what we're always told, but let's be realistic - we all judge each other. Whether we share those judgments with anyone or keep them tucked aways inside for all eternity is another story.

Here's me making another superficial judgment. Feel free to judge my judgment.

At lunch with a group of friends a few weeks ago, Sarah B. and I were talking about the previous week's episode of the Office (the one where Michael wanted to fake suicide by jumping off the roof of Dunder Mifflin onto an inflatable castle).

The guy sitting across from me said (loudly, as is his typical style) "Ewww! You guys watch THE OFFICE?? I tried watching that show once and it was SOOO DUUUMB!"

And it struck me that this must be the guy who is keeping shows like According to Jim on the air. Smack-you-over-the-head-the-laugh-track-tells-you-when-to-laugh,-Stupid! type shows, where "funny" is completely subjective. No pesky multi-episode storyline arcs to keep track of, no interesting, well-developed characters, no sublety, nothing that requires the engagement of your brain cells at all.

Hey, Bobblehead Dwight Shrute. Are you excited for the new episode of the Office tonight? (just use your imagination to picture him bobbing his head up and down, okay?)