Living in the Big Time

In Which I Draw a Shaky Comparison Between Apartment Hunting and Dating

2011-10-11T14:57:00.000-04:00

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: I’m moving. For the people who have known me since I arrived in Baltimore in 2004, this is nothing new (and no, I won’t ask you to help me move this time). In this most recent process I noticed something…apartment hunting is a lot like dating.

I spent hours trolling Craigslist and Padmapper for the perfect place that had all the things on my checklist, much like I used to hit up Match.com or OK Cupid looking for a guy who fit all the characteristics which I believed to be “my type.” Some of those ads are misleading at best and downright lying in the worst case. (In real estate speak, “charming” means “tiny,” just like a guy who claims to be six feet tall is actually barely 5’10” while wearing hiking boots.)

In the past month I’ve responded to nearly 40 ads for apartments. There were so many I had to create an Excel spreadsheet to keep them straight. Some never wrote back, for whatever reason, and you try not to take it personally. Some gave a curt “it’s already been rented” response (a.k.a. I already have a girlfriend) or said something to the tune of “absolutely no pets allowed (you crazy cat lady).” One even stood me up for our scheduled appointment, and then ignored all calls.

And then there were those that I went on the first date with. I lost count, but I think there were approximately 10 in the span of 3 weeks. The expectations were high for each, but I rejected most immediately for reasons both superficial and substantial – too small, unsafe neighborhood, a washer and dryer in the creepy basement where I’m pretty sure Saw was filmed, drop ceilings with fluorescent lighting panels, all-around ugly with no redeeming qualities.

Pictures don’t always tell the whole story either. It’s cause for suspicion when there are four pictures of the kitchen but none of the bedroom. Turns out it’s because the carpet is stained and there’s not a single closet in there. Why is that guy wearing sunglasses and a hat in every picture? That’s to hide the early signs of male pattern baldness and his beady rat eyes.

A couple places I liked and wanted to further the relationship with, but I was the one who got rejected. In one case, someone else swooped in and put in a rental application while I patiently waited for the second visit that the landlord promised. Then there was the house where the landlord decided to let her son live there instead of renting it out…ok, on second thought, that particular case is nothing like any dating scenario I’ve experienced, and I hope no one ever does.

My boyfriend Casey, who will be living with me, has been a big help through this excruciating process. He’s been the one to ask a lot of the tough questions of the landlords. Like, “can you install a deadbolt on the front door,” “it looks like there’s some water damage here - what are you going to do about that?” and “is the rental price negotiable?” Much like a best friend will interrogate and ruthlessly judge your prospective significant other upon their first meeting.

On the other hand, Casey also tried to convince me to consider places outside of my rigid geographic boundaries. What about Federal Hill? Well, that place looks nice and has everything on my checklist except for the fact that it’s in FEDERAL HILL and I hate everything about that popped collar douchebag infested neighborhood. That would be like a friend setting me up on a blind date with a guy who is tall, has all his hair, and doesn’t smoke, but upon inspection of his iPod I discover he has purchased the entire Nickelback discography.

It only gets harder as you get older. In my early 20’s, I didn’t have a lot of requirements when it came to apartments or boyfriends. Is there a refrigerator? Is there a place to plug in my hair straightener? Can I have a cat? Check, check and check. Where do I sign? Hey, this guy has a pulse and most of his teeth! Let's get married!

As I stare down the creaky old age of 30, the conditions have to be just right, which means the process takes a lot longer than it used to. Last week I set an appointment at a house on a quiet street in the right neighborhood mere minutes after the ad went up on Craigslist. I liked what I saw and immediately put in an application, as the policy was first come, first served. That application was approved and I’m going to be moving to my fifth new place in seven years at the end of October. Here’s hoping for a long and happy relationship!

Happy "Don't Be Such a Loser" Week

2010-12-27T08:59:00.004-05:00

If you're taking this week off work, you will likely spend a decent amount of time watching TV. Christmas commercials have been phased out, and now advertisers have lined up commercials created to prey on your deepest insecurities as the New Year approaches. In the days leading up to January 1, most people spend time wallowing in self-loathing as they think about the ways in which they fail as humans and dream up unrealistic New Year's Resolutions that will be abandoned within 3 weeks.

This week is what I like to call advertising's "Don't Be Such a Loser" Week. Instead of fast-forwarding through commercials on your DVR, pay attention to the subliminal messages you're being delivered:

Resolution: Lose Weight
What you need to buy to succeed: Weight loss systems like Weight Watchers and Nutrisystem, gym memberships, at-home exercise programs like Zumba and Hip Hop Abs
Confidence-crushing message: Hey fattie, maybe you should have thought twice before stuffing all those Christmas cookies down your gullet!

Resolution: Get a Better Job
What you need to buy to succeed: a certificate from a trade school, paid "premium" memberships to online job search boards like Monster and CareerBuilder
Confidence-crushing message: You're wasting your potential by staying in your soul-sucking current job that doesn't pay you nearly enough money!

Resolution: Get Organized
What you need to buy to succeed: one of everything at the Container Store
Confidence-crushing message: OMG your whole life is a complete mess.

Resolution: Fall in Love
What you need to buy to succeed: paid memberships to online dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com
Confidence-crushing message: Your mother is so disappointed in you because you're still not married and producing grandchildren for her. And isn't it lonely to have no one but your cat to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve? You may as well pack it up and join a nunnery.

Resolution: Get Out of Debt
What you need to buy to succeed: Credit consolidation services, "free" credit score reporting websites that aren't actually free, Cash4Gold.com
Confidence-crushing message: Isn't it a terrible burden to carry so much debt? Instead of paying off the money you owe the honorable way, learn some shady methods to do it...even though those "easy" methods will likely do more damage than good.

Resolutions may actually work for those people who choose one or two goals and create realistic plans that consist of not just quick fix money wasters, but complete lifestyle changes. But I'm an eternal cynic and see that companies are simply trying to fool people into throwing money at their problems. Fight the urge! If you still feel strongly about making a change in your life, then don't wait til January 1 to do it just because society tells you to.

The One Where I Have to Do All of Comcast's Work Myself

2010-04-22T14:25:00.003-04:00

And now for your reading pleasure, an online chat transcript between me and FOUR Comcast customer service robots.

The backstory: Obviously, I'm moving. I made an appointment earlier this week to transfer my cable and internet service to the new place next Friday. Last night I noticed a Comcast error screen on a bunch of channels on my bedroom tv, saying that those channels are all HD now and I needed some device in order to get them on tvs that are not directly connected to my digital box. This conversation happened over a span of about 1.5 hours today.

analyst Rosal has entered room

Rosal>
Hello Jennifer_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Rosal. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Rosal>
A Comcastic day to you! How are you doing today?

Jennifer_>
i'm good, how are you?

Rosal>
I am very glad that you are doing good.

Rosal>
I am doing very well. Thank you so much for asking, Jennifer.

Rosal>
I see here that you want to order additional cable boxes for the additional TV's. I thank you for giving us the opportunity to resolve this issue and I am happy to help you with it.

Rosal>
As your service representative today, I want you to know that your satisfaction is of my topmost priority and I assure you that we can resolve this issue together on this chat, Jennifer.

Rosal>
To make sure that I could pull up the right account, may I verify the account number or the last four of the account holder's SSN, please?

Jennifer_>
xxxx

Rosal>
Thank you. Please give me a minute or two to review your account.

Rosal>
By the way, Jennifer, while waiting for your account to pull up, I will share you a feature of Comcast that you can truly benefit from. Pay direct refers to any recurring payment transactions made through Comcast’s billing systems, and can be made with a checking account, savings account, credit card or debit card. This will save you time, money and reduce the risk of lost or late payments.

Rosal>
Jennifer, is this for new installation?

Jennifer_>
well i'm moving to a new house on april 30, and i already have a technician scheduled to come out and install the equipment i'm bringing from the old house

Jennifer_>
so i was wondering if the tech could also bring digital equipment for the tvs in the 3 bedrooms at the same time

Rosal>
Sure thing. May I verify the new address please?

Jennifer_>
xxxx

Rosal>
Thank you so much for the information. I would need to transfer you to our Sales Department since this is for installation. Before I do so, would there be anything else that I may be of help for today?

Jennifer_>
No, that's it

Rosal>
It has been a pleasure to assist you today. Please stay online.

Rosal>
Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

analyst Antonio has entered room

analyst Rosal has left room

Antonio>
A lovely day to you, how are you doing today?

Jennifer_>
i'm good, how are you?

Antonio>
I am phenomenal, thank you for asking!

Antonio>
I do not see a pre-order?

Antonio>
Aw, i see the issue now!

Antonio>
Sorry!

Jennifer_>
Ok. so is it possible to have the technician bring out 3 additional digital boxes when he comes to the installation appointment on april 30?

Antonio>
I can make that happen.

Jennifer_>
thank you

Jennifer_>
will there be an additional charge for the boxes? one-time or monthly?

Antonio>
Monthly.

Antonio>
It is my pleasure, I am here because of you, so I am here for
you, your buisness is very much appreciated!

Jennifer_>
thank you

Jennifer_>
can you tell me how much i can expect my monthly bill to increase by?

Antonio>
Sure.

Antonio>
Let me figure it all out to be correct.

Antonio>
xxxx or xxxx street?

Jennifer_>
this will be for xxxx st.

Antonio>
I show two addresses.

Antonio>
It was a transfer of services?

Jennifer_>
yes

Jennifer_>
it will be, on april 30

Antonio>
Oh I see now.

Antonio>
No problem.

Antonio>
Are there coax cables where you want all of these boxes?

Jennifer_>
yes, but some of them will need to be extended to reach where we plan to put the tvs

Antonio>
Farther than 20 feet away?

Jennifer_>
no

Antonio>
So maybe just a long coax to make it reach?

Jennifer_>
i think that's all that's needed

Antonio>
Ok, no problem.

Antonio>
I am figuring out how to edit this order now.

Antonio>
Jennifer, due to this being a transfer of service the system will not allow me to edit your order.

Jennifer_>
So I can't get the additional boxes at the same time?

Antonio>
I have never had this happen to me before.

Antonio>
Not at the same time.

Antonio>
I have never attempted to edit a transfer of service.

Antonio>
I am so sorry for this vexation.

Jennifer_>
So I have to stay home from work 2 different days to get this all taken care of? That's just not possible.

Antonio>
When we are done we can schedule according to your work schedule.

Antonio>
We work mon thru sunday.

Jennifer_>
There's nothing else that can be done? I understand this isn't your fault, but this is just absurd.

Antonio>
I can transfer you to someone in your local area and see if they can have dispatch edit the order for us?

Antonio>
Would you like to attempt this?

Jennifer_>
Sure

Antonio>
Thank you Jennifer.

Antonio>
I appreciate your understanding with us today.

Antonio>
Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

analyst Antonio has been temporarily disconnected. Please wait while the analyst attempts to reconnect.

Analyst has left the room. Your problem is being escalated to another analyst

analyst John has entered room

John>
Hi! I hope you are having a great day! How may I help you today?

Jennifer_>
Hi John. I have a technician scheduled to come out to my new house on april 30 to transfer service from my old house.

Jennifer_>
i noticed last night that a bunch of channels are now unavailable on tvs that aren't hooked up to the digital box, so i was hoping to have the technician bring extra digital boxes for the tvs in the three bedrooms of the new house

Jennifer_>
the last cust service person told me i would have to make 2 separate appointments for this, and i don't think that makes any sense.

John>
Okay so you want to order extra boxes correct?

John>
What boxes would you like to order?

John>
Jennifer?

Jennifer_>
whatever boxes make it possible to get all the normal channels on all tvs

Jennifer_>
not dvr boxes

John>
Okay let me have someone from our sales department process your order.

John>
Stay on the line while I transfer you for the orders.

John>
Please wait, while the problem is escalated to another analyst

analyst Annette has entered room

Annette>
Welcome to Comcast! We appreciate your time and interest in signing up with Comcast. I will be happy to complete your order today. How are you doing?

analyst John has left room

Jennifer_>
i'm fine, but to be honest i'm getting a little frustrated because you're the 4th person i've had to talk to today.

Annette>
I am so sorr to hear that.

Annette>
*sorry

Annette>
I will do my best to assist you today.

Jennifer_>
so all i'm trying to do is coordinate the transfer of my cable & internet service at my new house with the installation of digital boxes in the 3 bedrooms.

Jennifer_>
i would like to have all of this taken care of in one visit because i can't sit around for days waiting for it all to be done, like i have in the past.

Annette>
Alright.

Annette>
Jennifer, do not worry our technician will install your service in just one visit.

Jennifer_>
perfect, thank you

Annette>
May I ask, are you transferring the same service or you want to set up a new account.

Annette>
You are welcome.

Annette>
May I ask, are you transferring the same service or you want to set up a new account.

Jennifer_>
same service

Jennifer_>
i just want to add whatever boxes are needed in order to view all the normal channels on tvs that are not directly connected to my digital/dvr box

Annette>
Jennifer,I would like to inform you that if you want to transfer the same service, you may transfer it at your new address for free.

Annette>
We have a special department that will take care of that for you.

Annette>
The cable movers department will be the one to set an appoitment for you.

Jennifer_>
i already set that appointment for april 30

Annette>
But if you want to set up a new account then I may process it for you.

Jennifer_>
i just want the technician to bring the additional boxes

Annette>
Okay.

Annette>
Jennifer, since you already have an appointment.If I will make changes to it like adding additional boxes your install date will change. Would that be alright with you?

Annette>
Or you may wait for your services to be installed and chat back to us to order.

Annette>
The other option would be to pick up the boxes at the local office.

Jennifer_>
No, I took april 30 off work so i could get my service installed. i'd like to keep that appointment.

Jennifer_>
fine, i'll just pick up the boxes myself.

Jennifer_>
since it's clearly asking too much to have the technician put them on the truck and bring them with him.

Annette>
Do you want me to provide you the address of the local office.

Jennifer_>
yes

Annette>
Actually, that should not be a problem , Jennifer but it might change your schedule. that is why I need to confirm from you if that would wor for you.

Annette>
I know that it will take a olot of your time,

Annette>
It was ideally ordered when you have made an appoitment.

Annette>
*appointment

Jennifer_>
i understand that, but i made the appointment before all the channels i normally watch gave me a Comcast error screen, telling me i need to get these new boxes to watch the channels i already pay for!

Jennifer_>
i hope you can understand my frustration with this.

Annette>
I do understand how you feel.

Annette>
Jennifer, if there are problems with your boxes you may return this to the local office.

Annette>
They will exchange the boxes.

Jennifer_>
I don't have problems with my boxes. I'm just now being told that I need to GET new boxes to watch the channels I used to be able to watch on the tv's that are not directly plugged into the digital box

Annette>
Oh I see. What you need are digital transport adapters. These are given for FREE.

Annette>
You may get as much as two boxes.

Jennifer_>
Thank you! That's all I needed to know

Jennifer_>
Then please have the technician who is scheduled to come out April 30 bring two of the digital transport adapters.

Annette>
You may just visit the local office to get these so as not to change your schedule.

Annette>
Jennifer, if I do that it will change your schedule for install.

Jennifer_>
Ok. fine. what is the address?

Annette>
If that would be okay for you then I would be happy to make changes on your account.

Jennifer_>
yes please

Annette>
I will look that up for you.

Annette>
Please give me one moment.

Annette>
Here is the address of the local office: Baltimore
Address:
5801 Metro Drive
Baltimore, MD 21215
Phone: 410-649-9000 410-649-9000 410-649-9000 410-649-9000 410-649-9000 Monday - Friday 8:00 AM-6:00 PM: Saturday 10:00 AM-3:00 PM: Sunday - Closed

Jennifer_>
thank you

Annette>
You are welcome.

Jennifer_>
will the addition of these boxes add any additional fees onto my monthly bill?

Annette>
Thank you so much for your time and patience.

Annette>
These boxes are free.

Annette>
You may get two free adapters.

Jennifer_>
ok.

Jennifer_>
will my monthly bill change at all with my move to a new location?

Annette>
I believe you will still pay the same , since the same services are transferred to that address.

Jennifer_>
ok, i just wanted to make sure

Annette>
Thank you for your continued patronage, Jennifer.

Jennifer_>
well i don't really have a choice in the matter, but you're welcome

Annette>
Thank you.

Annette>
We do value your business.

Annette>
Have a nice day!

Annette>
Take care.

Dell Laptop and Other Stuff for Sale!

2010-04-22T10:00:00.004-04:00

Dell Inspiron 5160 laptop. Pentium 4 processor. 30 GB hard drive. WiFi card, battery and power cord included. Make me an offer! ON HOLD

Target 2 drawer light wood filing cabinet. Already assembled and in great condition. $10

Small space heater. Used one winter. $10

Bathroom etagere - metal over-toilet storage. $10

Moving Sale! Everything Must Go! Make Me an Offer! (Sunday Apr 18)

2010-04-15T14:37:00.004-04:00

Big moving sale on the sidewalk of the 2300 block of St. Paul St. in Charles Village/Lower Goucher. Lots of great items at very low prices. Including:

- Pentax digital camera
- Lexmark digital camera photo printer
- Lexmark desktop printer
- Desktop computer monitor
- Sunpak digital photo frames
- IKEA workstation desk
- pink IKEA desk chair (http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/S19859100)
- DVD/VCR combo
- ~~2 window air conditioner units~~ SOLD!
- brand new ladies watches and gemstone jewelry
- never used Pedipaws battery operated pet nail clipper
- cds
- videos
- curtains, lamps and other home furnishings
- Boyd's bears
- lots of books
- new in box 5-way Evolve shower head

And lots more!

Opens at 9 a.m. No good offers will be refused!

2BR Apartment in Charles Village/Lower Goucher for Rent

2010-04-02T09:57:00.009-04:00

Update Unfortunately the property management company has already signed a new tenant to a lease beginning May 15. Thanks for your interest, but this apartment is no longer available. Please scroll down to view furniture and other items for sale. (6:27 p.m. 4/2/10)

Available May 15

A newly renovated end unit in the historic Charles Village/Lower Goucher neighborhood with tons of light on 3 sides. The apartment is 900 square feet with 2 Bedrooms, 1 Bathroom. Hardwood floors, new windows, new ceiling fans in the living room and both bedrooms and a dishwasher. There is a locked 4' X 10' storage space in basement included for each apartment. Laundry in basement. Pets welcome with additional deposit. Lots of parking available on both St. Paul and 23rd St., where there is an additional side entrance to the building. In this unit, you will hear almost no street noise from St. Paul St.

If you like the paint colors we have chosen, we can leave it, and if you don't we will paint the walls white before leaving.

$850/month
$850 security deposit

If you move in May 15, I will take $200 off your first month of rent! Please email me to set up a time to visit this beautiful apartment.

Here's a shot of the living room/dining room (the green shows up a bit brighter in these pictures than it actually is, so don't be scared!)

Here's another view of the living room. Look at all that sunlight!

Here's a mysterious view of the two bedrooms from the hallway. The room to the left is slightly larger than the one on the right, but they both comfortably fit a bed, dresser and desk.

Here is the bathroom. The cabinets are all brand new. Great sunlight from the window, but it's very private so you won't feel like anyone is watching you.

Moving Sale! I'm also looking to sell a few items.

- Air conditioner window unit. Bought brand new in 2008 and used only 1 summer, in great condition. $50
- Space heater. Great condition. $10
- DVD/VCR. Good condition, comes with all necessary wires. $20
- Silver desk lamp. $5

Assorted furniture if current prospective buyer falls through. Including:
- IKEA Klippan couch (needs new slipcover). $25
- IKEA Mikael computer workstation desk, with drawer, keyboard shelf and magnetic board. Birch. $30
- IKEA pink plastic swivel desk chair. $10
- IKEA full size Hemnes bed frame, including headboard, footboard, sides, and slats. White. $50 (Mattress included at no extra cost if wanted, but I know some people are weird about used mattresses).
- IKEA Lack coffee table with lower shelf. Birch. $15

Way to Run!

2009-10-06T09:57:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't posted here in about 100 years, but I had to share this info I found on the Baltimore Running Festival website. The marathon pretty much shuts down the entire city on Saturday, so I wanted to see the race route and road closures. At the bottom of the page there are some tips for spectators, including suggested cheer words.

Here are some words of encouragement to offer runners as they pass your Cheering Section onsite or at home:

1. “Way to Run”
2. “Awesome”
3. “Looking Strong”
4. “Looking Good”
5. “Enjoy Baltimore”
6. “You Can Do It”
7. “You’re Flying”
8. “Keep it Up”

NOTE: Unless you are at the Stadium near the finish line, please DO NOT cheer “Almost there”, “Not far to go” etc. After running 26 miles, “almost there” is a few hundred feet from the finish line.

I'm looking forward to sitting outside my apartment 10 hours into the marathon and encouraging the stragglers with the pre-approved "you're flying!" That should inspire them to keep going!

FMyOldLife

2009-06-18T15:55:00.003-04:00

It's raining today, which is causing a lot of aches and pains in my bad right hip. FMOL

Turns out the tv in my bedroom wasn't ready for the digital transition after all. For the past week I've been listening to ESPN with no picture. FMOL

I auditioned a 20-year-old girl for the Ravens Band last night. She asked me how long I've been in the band and I told her I joined during my senior year of college, which was in 2003. Her reply: "Wow, that's a really long time ago." FMOL

Watching the MTV Movie Awards made me realize that I really don't know what's cool with the kids these days. FMOL

Feels like every day my cats get a little smarter than me. I'm like Elmer Fudd trying to figure out ways to outsmart them, and I fail every single time. FMOL

I remember who Elmer Fudd is. FMOL

Thanks But No Thanks

2009-04-02T09:20:00.005-04:00

So much for smart, targeted email campaigns.

I have shopped with Endless.com on occasion. They're an online shoe store who, when they first arrived on the scene, offered a deal where they gave the customer $5 for shipping. Sounds more confusing than it is. It's actually free shipping and $5 off your order.

Anyway, I've bought a few pairs of shoes from them over the last year or two, and I get their email blasts probably every other day. This is what showed up in my inbox this morning:

I will *not* be springing into Crocs, thank you very much. These people clearly don't know me at all. Perhaps this is an April Fool's gag that arrived a day late.

Separated at Birth

2009-03-22T21:27:00.003-04:00

Am I right, people?

I Are Dumb

2009-03-18T13:03:00.005-04:00

One of the best categories of "funny" is unintentionally funny. Exhibit A, from a spam email I received this morning:

I'm a Parallel Parking Rock Star

2009-03-16T12:41:00.000-04:00

25 Things About Me

2009-03-10T22:00:00.001-04:00

Posted this on Facebook a couple of months ago back when all the cool kids were doing it. I liked it so much I thought I would copy it here!

1. Few things keep my attention for more than 15 minutes, but I will not claim to have ADD because too many people use that as a crutch
2. I can calmly play a trumpet solo in front of 70,000+ people with mics and cameras in my face, but talking in front of 10 people makes me insanely nervous
3. I have two kittens who are brother and sister named Calvin and Clementine.
4. I was born in Germany but left when I was 2 years old so I don't remember anything about it. I'd like to visit someday.
5. I had Lasik about 2 weeks ago and I still keep pushing my non-existant glasses up on my nose
6. The whole reason why I went to Shippensburg U is because it was one of two schools within driving distance of my parents' house, and the only one with a marching band
7. I never played any kind of organized sports until I was 25, but I turned out to be pretty good at football. My two long TD catches are up there in my life's proudest moments
8. Dr. Pepper cured a nasty 3-day bout of layrngitis that I had while in Dallas last month
9. I've had a lot of luck with Craigslist. I found my apartment, most of my living room and dining room furniture, my football team and bookclub there
10. I'm still using the country line dancing skills I learned in high school gym class
11. I was afraid of dogs for many years after a neighbor's dog scratched my face when I was a kid, necessitating 10 stitches, but now I love most dogs I meet
12. I have 2 half brothers that I've never met (will never meet one, as he died about 15 years ago)
13. There's no such thing as too many black sweaters, as long as they're all a little bit different. Same goes for black shoes
14. Given my family's history with grey hair, I'm really surprised to still have my natural color intact
15. My parents splitting up in 2006 was more difficult for me than any of my own breakups
16. I read a lot of really good books in 2008 and I hope to get through more on my to-read list this year
17. I wanted to quit the trumpet almost every day until I was 15. I'm glad I forced myself to stick with it
18. I ran two 5k races last year. I still don't think running is fun, and my times weren't very good, but I'm still proud of myself for doing it
19. My biggest pet peeve is lazy people
20. My second biggest pet peeve is people who air play instruments they don't actually know how to play...in my book, you are free to air accordion ONLY if you can play an accordion for real
21. I once gave a deaf guy at the bar a fake phone number. I felt guilty for like 2.5 seconds but got over it once I realized that a deaf person can't call me anyway
22. My long term financial plan is to win the lottery
23. I didn't realize how scared of heights I was until riding the roller coasters at Cedar Point
24. I still think IUP sucks
25. Every time I go into the family bathroom at work I have to check behind the shower curtain to make sure no one's hiding in there

Stuff. And Things.

2009-03-06T17:07:00.004-05:00

I hate when people suddenly stop posting on their blogs without any warning, and you start to wonder if maybe they died tragically, but you'll never find out because you typically don't know these people writing the blogs.

I didn't die. Facebook and Twitter take up a lot more time than you think. I even deleted my MySpace account, but that was only because the ratio of normal people to lecherous old dudes and skanky teenage girls was way out of whack. Anyway, after thinking about blogs and social media all day at work, my appetite for those things in my freetime started to diminish.

So what was I doing while I wasn't posting here? Some of it was spent working, obviously. I did have a nice 3 week vacation in December though. Went to Dallas for a few days and while there I got to see the Ravens hand the Cowboys their asses in a nice gift wrapped box. That was lovely :-) What was NOT lovely was seeing this freakshow in the parking lot before the game:

I also got my eyeballs fixed, so no more glasses! More importantly, no more guys at the bar starting a conversation with "I like your glasses" (lame) or "has anyone ever told you you look like Tina Fey?" Yes, LOTS of people have told me that. Not that I have a problem with Tina Fey, because she's pretty hot, but after a few thousand times of hearing that line it just gets old. The results were pretty impressive - I went from 20/400 vision before surgery to 20/15 after...because even my eyes are such perfectionists that they managed to improve on perfect.

The Ravens made it to the AFL Championship game, in case you haven't heard. I'm proud of those boys for making it so far after many pundits in the pre-season predicted a four-win season. If only we didn't keep losing to those pesky Steelers. We'll show them next year, won't we, Ray Ray?

Bringing everyone fully up to speed on my life, as if anyone honestly cares...Ravens Band has started up again already. So check us out at the St. Patrick's parade on March 15. And if you know any competent musicians, please send them my way. (Emphasis on competent). BSSC spring football starts on Sunday, so I'm looking forward to delivering a pounding to all opposing teams, courtesy of the Fighting Amish. My annual Shamrock Shake scavenger hunt has begun, and I've actually found them in two McDonald's in the Baltimore area: one on York Rd. just north of the circle, and the one inside the Wal-Mart at Port Covington. Be a pal and let me know if you see them anywhere else.

So that's my story. According to my stats, my blog certainly wasn't lonely while I was gone, what with hundreds of people visiting after searching "Blockbuster late fees" in Google. One silly post over a year ago is still #3 in Google. Seriously, go check it out if you don't believe me.

I'll post again soon. Or not. :-)

In Other News: Water is Wet

2008-12-11T08:42:00.001-05:00

While scanning my RSS feeds this morning I saw this headline in People magazine:

Britney's Son Interrupts Her Season's Greetings
Jayden Federline suddenly burps while his mom wishes fans a Merry Christmas.

FYI, People magazine: it's not news when babies burp.

Topics that are more newsworthy: Old people like oatmeal. The Pope wears a funny hat. People who text on their cellphones in the movie theater are annoying.

Infuriating Because It's True

2008-12-10T08:06:00.000-05:00

This is from AdFreak. Here's the small print if you can't read it:

You probably thought it was smart to buy a foreign import of superior quality, with better mileage and resale value. Maybe you even thought that years of market share loss might prod us into rethinking our process and redesigning our products with better quality in mind. But you forgot one thing: We spend a shitload of money on lobbyists. So now you're out $25 billion, plus the cost of your Subaru. Maybe next time you'll buy American like a real man. Either way, we're cool.

This is a spoof ad, but it's so true it hurts. When I had to buy a new car last year after the Jetta ate it on Pratt Street, I looked at a couple of different inexpensive, small cars: The Toyota Yaris, the Honda Fit, the Ford Focus, a Chevy something or other.

I spent about 2.5 seconds thinking about the Chevy (mostly because if I bought one my grandfather would disown me), and almost immediately eliminated the Focus from contention for several reasons. First, it's a Ford. I've owned Fords before and I know they tend to be cheaply made - surely you've heard the old Fix Or Repair Daily joke. Plus, I have this preconceived idea that people who choose a Focus on their own (as opposed to having it given to you or being forced to buy it used because there are no other options) are extremely boring. So boring that you should go out of your way to not start a conversation because they will have nothing interesting to contribute. I could be totally wrong on this, but that is how that particular car speaks to me.

Anyway, long story long, I ended up buying the Yaris. I've had it for about a year and a half and have had no problems at all (knock on wood). I don't think my decision to buy a foreign made car that I believed to be safer and better quality means that the domestic manufacturers are entitled to stick out their hands and demand money anyway. What it means is that they need to step up their products and then MAYBE I will consider buying one of them.

Take Your Own Advice, Part II

2008-12-05T13:33:00.001-05:00

Saw a bumper sticker on a Ford Explorer this morning on the way to work that read "Save Gas. Drive a Motorcycle."

I guess this is a do as I say, not as I do type of message from the driver.

Better Living Through Online Timewasters

2008-12-04T13:46:00.002-05:00

If you've got a few extra, oh I don't know, years of free time on your hands, I give you this. It's a collection of all ELEVENTY BILLION web 2.0 toys and gadgets that exist. Seriously. Keep clicking the down button, this list does not end.

Don't get me wrong, I love me some evite, GoodReads, MixWit and Squidoo as much as the next person (probably more), but this exhaustive collection has overwhelmed even me.

Thanksgiving Weekend

2008-12-01T12:13:00.000-05:00

Yeesh. I remember now why I got out of Waynesboro as quickly as possible after graduating from college. The bar where everyone goes on the night before Thanksgiving was crowded with people I barely remember, all of whom apparently are chain smokers. I'm so grateful for Maryland's indoor smoking ban right now.

Oh, and this bar is carpeted, if that gives you any indication of how gross it is.

I decided to steer clear of malls and big box retailers on Black Friday and instead shopped locally. First stop was the Avenue in Hampden, but I wasn't prepared for the surge of tourists. I'm happy to have tourists spending their money in Baltimore, really I am, but when stores have approximately 6 square inches of floor space, it's kinda annoying when a family of five plants themselves in the middle of the store gawking and talking loudly about how weird the merchandise is.

Then I went to the BMA. I'm a little ashamed that I've lived here for almost five years and never made it to the museum just a few blocks from my apartment...and also has free admission. There is really no good excuse.

I quickly realized, however, that I really do not "get" art. Especially the Franz West exhibit. Most perplexing were the pieces that featured plaster. For example, a piece of cardboard with a hole ripped in the middle, circular pen scribbles and plaster dripped on top. This is considered high art, but I was not impressed.

I stayed for an hour, half of which was spent in the, uh, gift shop.

Saturday night I had a cosmo at the Owl Bar with my friend Dan to celebrate his birthday, then went to Walt's Inn in Canton (get it? Waltz in??), which turns out to be a karaoke bar with some BSSC football friends. The entertainment highlight of the evening was Mark performing Eminem's Lose Yourself. Seriously, that is not an easy song.

Sunday was football, glorious football. Ravens = Awesome. Looking forward to next week's game. It will now be seen on NBC at 8 p.m. so the entire nation can see us destroy the Redskins. Hooray!

Marching Ravens Honor Their Own

2008-12-01T10:28:00.002-05:00

Check out my article on BaltimoreRavens.com about the current and former members of Baltimore's Marching Ravens who have served overseas in the military.

Marching Ravens Honor Their Own

I'm Tired of Being Blind

2008-11-18T07:35:00.002-05:00

Or a story I could call "My Cats Are Jerks Part II."

Last night as I was in the shower, I heard a clattering noise. I peeked out of the curtain just in time to see Calvin pick my glasses off the floor with his teeth and run away with them. Since I had a head full of shampoo, I couldn't immediately chase after him.

So, there I am, wearing only a bath towel and my Hollywood superstar sunglasses (the only other prescription lenses I own), cautiously tiptoeing around my apartment, scanning my brown hardwood floors for my brown frames through a pair of brown lenses.

Luckily the hunt took only three minutes. I found my glasses on the kitchen floor, unharmed. But this is only one of the many reasons why I decided to schedule a consultation at the Lasik Plus center in Towson this Friday. Hopefully I'll be eligible to get it done, and I'll never have a repeat of last night.

Not a Great Weekend for Football

2008-11-17T09:44:00.003-05:00

Saturday was the big regular season finale for Balls & Boobs, and we were looking for our first win. (Technically, we won the second game of the season, but we had to forfeit because we forgot to supply a line judge for the game before ours). Anyway, it was a gorgeous day, but when I pulled into the parking lot I noticed some very foreboding-looking clouds coming our way.

And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I had pulled on my cleats and gloves and ran onto the field, a massive downpour flooded the fields. With the wind and the sheer weight and speed of the rain, we could barely hear each other, much less play a good game of football. The official on our field asked us if either team was going to playoffs this year, and we all shouted back "NO!" He asked if we wanted to continue playing, and we all shouted back "NO!" and he yelled back "then get the hell out of here!" And we did.

Kind of a disappointing end to the season, but at least I have Spring football to look forward to.

Then there was the Ravens game yesterday. Yes, we lost, and it looked really ugly at times, but I'm really not that disappointed. We lost to the Giants, who are probably the best team in the NFL (I know the Titans are undefeated, but I still think the Giants are the better team). And while 30-10 looks lopsided, if only a couple of small things happened differently we would have totally been in it. Derek Mason should have caught the ball that bounced off his face. Stover should have made that first field goal that got blocked. Our defense should have been able to stop that guy on the Giants who had a 75 yard run in the second half.

Oh well. We're playing the Eagles at home this Sunday. The Eagles couldn't even muster an overtime win against the Bengals yesterday. (Yes, Donovan, ties do happen in the NFL!)

My Cats Are Jerks

2008-10-28T08:28:00.000-04:00

Well not really. But Calvin and Clementine do pull some bone-headed stunts. I guess that's what kittens do when they're left alone in an apartment full of opportunities every day while I'm at work.

I bought new curtains, and managed to hang one set in the living room Saturday night before giving up. Do you know how much effort it is to hang a curtain rod that's about 80 inches long by yourself? I needed some go-go gadget arms to make that happen.

The curtains were up less than 24 hours before the cats yanked them right off the windows. But they didn't stop at that. After they pulled the curtains down (and left gaping holes in my drywall that I now need to patch and repaint), they made themselves a cozy little bed and slept on the curtains.

Thanks, guys, but I don't believe I asked for your opinion on interior design.

The Nicest Wal-Mart Ever

2008-10-24T08:24:00.000-04:00

Just to give you some background on this story and why it's even notable, a visit to Wal-Mart is nothing less than Hell on Earth for me. The shoppers are rude and oblivious when running over your feet with their shopping carts of mayhem, the employees are no help at all, and overall the store just feels cheap in every way. When I go there I know it's going to be a miserable experience because you really get what you pay for.

But yesterday I stopped at the Wal-Mart in the Cockeysville-Timonium-ish area near work. I've never been to this location before and let me tell you, it's like no other Wal-Mart I've ever seen. Aesthetically, it's much more pleasing with the softer lighting and brown tile floors. The store has a bit more space than usual so you're not crawling over people to get to what you're trying to see.

The grocery section was clean and organized, and actually the whole store was as well. Most shocking was the book section. Every other Wal-Mart I've patronized has had a half aisle of books, populated mainly by paperback romance novels and Christian-themed books. This store had like 6 aisles of books...they actually believe their shoppers read!

It was such a nice experience that instead of grabbing a bottle of shampoo and some weatherstripping for my windows and racing to the registers...I walked around. And looked at stuff at a leisurely pace.

So there you have it. The real-life tale of a Wal-Mart Jen could actually tolerate.

Vote Yes to Slots, And Then Some

2008-10-23T12:08:00.000-04:00

Slots in Maryland? Sure, why not? There are enough people here who are traveling to Charlestown, Dover Downs or the Poconos for the pleasure of pumping their hard earned quarters into a noisy machine, so why not keep that revenue here? I can't see any reason not to, aside from anti-gambling addiction arguments. But then if Maryland is suddenly against any kind of addiction-forming vice, then I guess we should immediately outlaw cigarettes and booze, too.

Anyway, my point is, why stop at slots? I think it would be terrific for Maryland tourism if we built a full-scale hotel casino. Just one. We don't need to become the next Atlantic City.

Picture a Harrah's casino near the Convention Center and Hilton. It would be grand and classy. Or, how about an old-timey riverboat casino parked in the Harbor? I bet (bet! get it? it's word play!) that something like that would really succeed in attracting both the young adult professional crowd and the recently retired travelers. And with just one casino, it wouldn't be incredibly contradictory to the family-friendly vibe this city has already cultivated in the Inner Harbor.

Money in the bank, people. Someday, you'll see it my way.

The Answer to All Your Financial Problems

2008-10-16T12:24:00.000-04:00

Sweet fancy Moses! What IS this?!

Is this email seriously proposing that a free figurine with a $75 purchase and free shipping will really help me "through these tough economic times"?

I've probably lost most of the retirement savings I've managed to accumulate up to this point, and with the way things are going, I may be 95 years old before I actually get to quit working! But that's ok, because I got free shipping on my Precious Moments order.

And I'm not even getting into just how creepy I find the entire Precious Moments phenomenon.

I Thought I Was Indecisive, but Now I'm Not So Sure

2008-10-15T08:17:00.001-04:00

I've been on the fence about who to vote for ever since we got our Republican and Democratic nominees nailed down. I'm registered Rep. (yes, tear me apart if you must, but that's just what we do in central PA), but there are things I both like and dislike about each candidate (mostly I dislike that they're both politicians and therefore liars who are mostly running for office to satisfy their own selfish reasons). In any case, I've realized that I'm running out of time before my absentee ballot is due.

I took this Presidential Election Match-o-Matic quiz from ABC News, and while knowing it's highly unscientific, I figured this might be my last hope in clarifying my views.

Instead, I ended up with a 7-6 win for McCain, proving that I'm more securely latched onto the top of the fence than I thought.

Which is Worse?

2008-10-13T15:08:00.002-04:00

A middle of the pack team (Ravens) goes on the road and gets absolutely torched by an upper-middle of the pack team (Colts)

Or

The team that many were ranking number 1 overall (Redskins) loses at home by a single point to the hands-down most awful team in the league (Rams)?

I believe, even beyond my own selfish leanings, that the latter is way more embarrassing.

I'll Have My People Tweet Your People

2008-10-06T15:33:00.004-04:00

The rumors are true. I've already jumped on the bandwagons for MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, and Blogger, and now I have a Twitter account.

Well, fantastic. Another way to drain my time online. Perhaps. I've yet to find a really worthwhile way to use it for personal reasons, but for work-related purposes I've found that it's pretty cool. I'm sure my friends really loved the barrage of updates from the social media conference I attended last week, but co-workers were into it.

So anyway check me out, "follow" my "tweets" if the mood strikes you. And if you sign up for an account let me know and I'll be sure to subscribe to your pointless updates, too. :-)

I have an "I Heart Irony" Bumper Sticker

2008-10-02T10:44:00.003-04:00

I've been seeing a lot of (non-Transit Authority) cars driving around lately with this bumper sticker:

Hmm...

Guess Who's Got Ronnie Brown on their Fantasy Team

2008-09-22T12:20:00.001-04:00

...and left him on the bench? I'll give you three guesses, but the first two don't count.

In other news, the Ravens = Awesome and I can't wait to see what they do with the Steelers next Monday night!

Maghound for Magazine Addicts

2008-09-18T17:28:00.001-04:00

A new service just launched that's kind of like Netflix for magazines...except you keep them after reading instead of mailing them back...which means this is actually not like Netflix after all, so maybe everyone should quit drawing that comparison.

Anyway, Maghound is definitely something I can get on board with because magazines are my impulse buy weakness. Unfortunately, they are now in the range of $4-5 each, which adds up very quickly.

Everyone has an impulse buy they always fall victim to, whether it's soda or candy at the grocery store or the $5 DVDs at Target. The Martin's grocery store I worked at when I was in high school had a clever trick. Knowing that parents are often defeated when it comes to a crying child who WANTS A CANDY BAR NOW! at the checkout, they hung a large sign over one lane that read "No Candy Sold at This Register." Instead, the shelves were stocked with coloring books and toys, which means mom still had to endure an epic temper tantrum if she didn't comply AND she's out more money than if she would have just bought the candy bar.

Well played, Martin's.

So I think I'll keep my eye on Maghound to see what kind of selection they build up, and wait to hear if the service gets decent reviews. Because if this turns out to be a keeper, I'm going to save a lot of money on my trips to the grocery store.

Tech Woman...That's Me

2008-09-17T18:19:00.001-04:00

I know that most of my big burly male friends don't really want to be seen reading Smart Woman Magazine, so here's a link to the articles I've written for the publication (which is actually now Smart Woman Online, as the print pub has folded).

Tech Woman

Your office's IT guy will be able to see that you're on Smart Woman's web site, however, so go ahead and click if you're comfortable with him knowing about it. ;-)

It's Football Season, and All is Right with the World

2008-09-08T08:46:00.003-04:00

Football season is pretty much the only thing that takes away the sting of summer's end. So that puts a lot of pressure on the Ravens to make it worthwhile.

There is one thing that is equally entertaining and frustrating about my seat at the stadium, which is that I usually end up with opposing team fans right behind me. And for some reason, these people seem to think that I can't hear them complaining about the band, even though they're talking almost right in my ear.

One such treasure was seated behind me yesterday, and let me tell you, her boyfriend is one lucky guy. Here are a few of the gems that came out of her mouth:

- When a Bengals player was down on the field with an injury, it's customary to clap politely when he finally gets up and walks to the sideline. The band did it, the cheerleaders did it, and the rest of the fans did too. But this girl thought it was REALLY rude that the band clapped. "I can't believe how rude the band is being. He's injured! Why are they clapping? What do they think this is, some kind of European soccer game?"

I couldn't quite figure out her train of thought on that one. Have another drink, lady!

- "I can't understand why this city loves a murderer like Ray Lewis. He killed someone and now he comes out here and dances like an ape and everyone cheers for him!"

Kind of a hypocritical comment coming from a BENGALS fan, don't you think? The whole team is made up of criminals! Oh, and PS, Ray Ray was acquitted.

- To a Ravens fan sitting nearby: "So you have a band, huh? Pretty prime seats they have there. We're going to move down and sit in them when they leave for halftime."

I made sure that the band's muscle-y security guy, who also happens to be a Baltimore cop, knew about those plans. He looked pleased to have someone to rough up when I told him what I'd heard.

Mr. and Mrs. Bengals fans were nowhere to be seen in the second half of the game. And I can't blame them, since their team barely showed up anyway. :-) Go Ravens!

The Boller Era Finally Ends

2008-09-03T14:02:00.003-04:00

The city of Baltimore can finally breathe a sigh of relief, as it looks like Kyle Boller has worn a Ravens jersey for the last time.

There are many Boller apologists out there, and I'll admit that he has done ok at times, but after five seasons of fail, there's really no excuse for this guy to have another starting job in the NFL.

I wish Kyle luck in finally selling his Owings Mills house that's allegedly been on the market for months, and in starting his lucrative career as a Subway sandwich artist.

Totally Unintentional

2008-08-29T09:19:00.003-04:00

Calvin was playing in a shopping bag the other day, and he kept peeking out at me from the handle cut-out in the bag, so of course I took a picture. It wasn't until I looked at the photo later that I realized he looks like a Klansman, but I promise this was just an unfortunate coincidence. Anyway, it's just a funny pic, so here it is.

False Forecast

2008-08-22T08:53:00.004-04:00

So my horoscope for the weekend is this: "Party people everywhere are going to be calling you to hang out. Blame it on the fact that you love to be the life of the party. Just remember, you do have to be functional come Monday morning."

Haha, no I don't! I've got all next week off. Including two weekends and Labor Day, that's 10 days in a row. I haven't had that much consecutive time off since I quit my miserable job at New York Life and suddenly found myself with all the free time in the world, and then some.

But don't worry about me sitting at home and getting so bored that I start working again (and if you do start seeing a bunch of work-related emails from me, for Pete's sake, tell me to stop!) I'm spending a couple days in Atlantic City, where I finally plan to go to the beach. I've been *to* the beach twice this summer (Ocean City and Norfolk) but haven't actually been *on* a beach yet. I'm also looking forward to the Caesar's Palace mall and outlets, and some quality time in front of the penny slots, too.

Tuesday I'll be in Gettysburg to hang out with former Baltimorons Steve & Michele, then I have my bookclub meeting. Wednesday I have band practice. Thursday I'm taking Calvin & Clementine to the vet to get their junk taken care of, and may I add not a moment too soon. Thursday night is the Ravens' final preseason game, which also can not happen soon enough. Preseason football is such a tease. You get all antsy for football to start between February and August, and when you finally get to watch, it's one quarter of okay football followed by three quarters of pure crap.

Go Troy Smith!

Friday I'll pick up the kittens, who I'm sure will not be very happy with me, but that's ok. Saturday is the first practice of the fall for my BSSC football team, Boobs & Balls. I'm totally ready for this. Sunday is the Ravens Band Fantasy Football draft. And then Monday is Labor Day, and that wraps up my 10 days of freedom. By Tuesday I'm sure I'll be itching get back to work.

Cue the Music

2008-08-19T09:25:00.001-04:00

While watching the disaster that was the Ravens-Vikings pre-season game on Saturday, I thought to myself how much more entertaining this season would be if they played the Benny Hill music over the loudspeaker every time Kyle Boller fumbled the ball or threw an interception.

I doubt the Ravens will go for that though. Something about the morale of the players or something, probably...

Pop Culture Catch-up

2008-08-12T13:58:00.003-04:00

I finally got around to seeing two things that's already old news to the rest of the world: The Dark Knight and the Olympics opening ceremony.

Friday night we went to the Landmark theater for The Dark Knight, and even in its fourth week the place was packed. I'll be the first to admit that my attention span is short and seems to be shrinking every day, but I sat relatively still and didn't fall asleep during the three-hour movie.

Some instant thoughts: The Joker was creepy and well-played. The plot was interesting, but got a bit out of control toward the end and could have stood to be reeled back in. Christian Bale's normal voice is, well, normal, but his Batman voice was too put-on and for some reason had a lisp, which I find ridiculous on a superhero. Katie Holmes is probably kicking herself for giving up the chance to continue her role as Rachel Dawes, but I'm sure she's got some crazy Scientologist meditations to convince herself she made the right decision.

And just FYI, there's a Haagen Daaz right next to the theater, which is a brilliant strategy.

Last night when I got home from work I watched the opening ceremonies which I'd saved on DVR. I'd heard a lot of buzz about the ceremony but I fast forwarded through a lot of the interpretive dance that you get at every Olympics and watched the 2,008 drummers, the parade of nations and the actual lighting of the torch.

The countdown by the drummers was really cool and must have taken a lot of practice to get that synchronized just so. Although I did notice they were all wearing earbuds, so I'm sure they had a metronome tapping in their ears to keep them in time. I always forget about those tiny unmemorable countries that you only hear about in the Olympic parade of nations.

A lot of people have complained about how Matt Lauer and Bob Costas talked too much, but I liked the little nuggets of trivia they threw out about each country. Venezuela created its own time zone? I find that interesting, and I don't doubt that I'll manage to throw that fact out in a conversation at some point. This probably explains why I liked The Know-it-All so much while everyone else I know didn't even want to finish the book.

The lighting of the torch was nothing short of amazing. The fireworks were also spectacular, but my enthusiasm about them was dimmed since I'd already read about how they were digitally enhanced for television viewers. LAME.

Read Any Good Books Lately?

2008-08-01T18:23:00.001-04:00

Actually, I have, thanks for asking.

The Know-it-All is probably the best book I've read this year. It's about a guy who decides to read the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica in the space of one year, in a quest to become the smartest man alive. While I love a good pointless fact more than most people, I'm happy that this book was more than just that, it chronicled the author's life for that year, including commentary on the many brilliant members of his family and some insight into his relationships with them.

Side stories also included ventures into events typically reserved for the smartest of the smart: Mensa meetings, a crossword puzzle tournament, an interview with Alex Trebek and an appearance on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, among other things.

One fact that I've spouted a couple times since reading the book: a riot is technically defined as three or more rambunctious people in one place. There have been many recent occasions where I *technically* could have participated in a riot. And I also have a new joke to tell, which is good since my old stand-by of "a skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop" is getting kind of stale.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey pal, would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not," and then disappears.

The girls in my bookclub didn't really care for the Know-it-All, and only half of them actually finished it. But if you put any stock in my opinion, then I will happily recommend this book. And just a tip, it's funny, but I still didn't expect to have to navigate the Humor shelves at Barnes & Noble to find it.

The other one I read recently is Love is a Mix Tape, by Rob Sheffield, who frequently writes for Rolling Stone and other music mags, and also appears on VH-1 commentary shows (the only shows currently airing on VH-1 other than trashy celebrity love competitions). He narrates his story with the use of mix tapes created at the time of each milestone, such as an 8th grade dance, the time when he first met his future wife, and so on. This is a guy who almost literally exists on nothing but music, so it's a fitting format in which to structure his chapters.

Sheffield is a captivating writer, and is simultaneously funny and heart-breaking. I'm not giving anything away here, since this is stated on the first page of the book, but Sheffield's wife died suddenly, leaving him a widower at 31. I think this might be the first book to ever make me cry. A good pick if you've been feeling a little inhuman and unfeeling lately, as this will quickly fix what ails you (unless of course, you are in fact incapable of feelings).

And how about you? Have you read any good books lately?

It's a Chipotle Kind of Day

2008-07-24T13:10:00.004-04:00

This morning I had Kix for breakfast, and by about 10 a.m. I realized that that was equivalent to eating a bowl of air. I was starving, so for lunch I went to Chipotle with a couple of co-workers (one of which, by the way, did an actual victory dance when I suggested it).

When our office first moved up to Hunt Valley, we were suddenly in driving distance of Chipotle, the temple of burritos, so we were there probably once a week. But then, something tragic happened. I found out how many calories they packed into their hormone-free, free range, ethically sound food. I'm willing to share this information, but you're going to regret clicking this.

You've been warned.

The Mysterious Disappearance of the Ugly Shoes

2008-07-18T08:58:00.004-04:00

So there's an apartment on the first floor of my building that always has shoes sitting outside the door. I guess whoever lives there has some kind of phobia about bringing germs in on their shoes. Usually it's a pair of men's black shoes, or maybe some flip flops, but today I saw a pair of big red Crocs fit for a clown.

It crossed my mind for a split second that I should take the shoes and leave a note that says "You'll thank me for this" and then dump the shoes in a garbage can on the way out...but that would be really mean. Even though I would love nothing more than to sweep the country of its ugly tourist shoe habit.

The MLB Mustache Hall of Fame

2008-07-16T08:57:00.007-04:00

Last night there was nothing on TV except the MLB All-Star game. They introduced Hall-of-Famers at each position before bringing out the guys playing in the game, and I noticed that this was quite the parade of awesome mustaches. Jason Giambi's newly grown mustache is fairly run of the mill when you compare him to this guy:

Then of course there's Goose Gossage, who looks like he's frowning all the time just because his mustache is shaped that way:

And finally, Wade Boggs:

The introductions took about an hour to get through, and at that point I was bored with the All-Star game, so I turned it off before the first pitch. After watching the highlights this morning, it seems like I missed a really tedious 15 inning game that apparently neither side wanted to win.

Go Cowboy, Go Cowboy Go

2008-07-15T09:24:00.001-04:00

Cowboy Troy, part of the Muzik Mafia and made famous by Big & Rich, was at Cancun Cantina last weekend and I got to meet him.

He was a really nice guy, and he played a really good concert that lasted about an hour and fifteen minutes. I felt bad, because most people there didn't really seem all that into it, but to be fair they probably have no idea who he is since WPOC doesn't play him or Big & Rich.

Anyway, it only cost $6 to get in and it was more than worth it. If Cowboy Troy (and not Cowboy Curtis like Amy called him) is playing at your local country bar, keep an open mind and go see him.

Band Celebrates Independence...Four Times

2008-07-14T11:06:00.003-04:00

The Ravens Band marched in four parades over Fourth of July weekend. Read about it here!

Meet Calvin & Clementine

2008-07-11T10:42:00.005-04:00

I just adopted two kittens, a brother and sister. Wanna see them?

This is Calvin. I call him Cal for short, because he wears orange and never seems to get tired.

This is Clementine, or Tiny. Because she is.

And here they are together acting well-behaved, but a moment later Cal tackled Clementine and they both fell off the windowsill.

Take Your Own Advice

2008-07-10T08:53:00.004-04:00

To the gentleman talking on your cellphone, driving about 45 miles an hour on 83 North and barely capable of staying in your lane, in the white SUV with the "Shut Up and Drive" bumper sticker...well, you know.

Mysteries of Sports: The "Outsider" Jersey

2008-07-02T13:24:00.001-04:00

I go to pro sporting events pretty frequently, and I've noticed a perplexing trend: people who wear jerseys of teams who are not playing in the game they are attending. Last Saturday I went to DC to see the O's play the Nationals with a group of my friends. We (and about half of the fans in the stands) all had on Orioles gear, and the home fans had on Nationals gear.

But I also saw a bunch of what I call "outsider" jerseys. Yankees. Red Sox. Phillies. Mets. The Cardinals, for crying out loud. What do they have to do with this game? Are the fans wearing the outsider jerseys confused as to who is actually playing? Or is that Mets jersey the only sports team attire he owns?

I guess I'll never know. But what I do know is this: wear a Yankees jersey to a baseball game in which the Yankees are not a part of, and you are guaranteed to be the least-liked person in the stadium.

Overutilization of Utilize

2008-07-01T13:20:00.004-04:00

Most people already know about my profound distaste of the word "utilize" and this entry from one of my new favorite blogs, (The Customer Is) Not Always Right, is a perfect example why:

Overutilized Word, Underutilized Noggin

(This happened at our video rental store the weekend that Indiana Jones: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull came out. We had received copies of the older three so people could get caught up on the series.)

Customer: “Hey, I have an issue with your movie.”

Me: “Alright, what’s wrong?”

Customer: “We sat down to watch it yesterday night, and it started jumping around and froze up.”

Me: “Well, that’s fine. I can just grab another one off the shelf and–”

Customer: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We had the family together for this, and we bought popcorn from here that we were not able to properly utilize. ”

Me: “… so, what do you want me to do?”

Customer: “I want these two buckets for free and a free rental.”

Me: “Well, you’ll be getting another Last Crusade for free–”

Customer: “No, no, no. Another credit on the account, and this popcorn because ours was not properly utilized. We put it in the microwave under the assumption that the movie was gonna work.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a free rental if we have the Last Crusade in, and I can’t give you that popcorn.”

Customer: “Is there a number I can call for the popcorn? We were supposed to see the new one tonight, but we can’t because you guys don’t check your movies before you give people popcorn.”

(So, to diagram his thought process: if a customer is renting a movie, withhold popcorn depending on quality of DVD. I get my manager.)

Manager: “What’s up?”

(The customer gives the same story with more emphasis on his family, and uses the phrase “utilize the popcorn properly” three more times.)

Manager: “Wait, did you eat the popcorn?”

Customer: “Well yeah, we utilized it.”

Manager: “Then stop using 5-dollar phrases and tell us you ate it!”

Customer: “Fine, my family ate it. Do we get them for free now?”

Manager: “No, because you bought and ate popcorn, like it’s supposed to be utilized.”

Customer: “What number can I call?”

(We give him the number for our regional manager. We hear the next day that he called the regional manager, who laughed at him on the phone and hung up.)

Death by a Delightfully Fresh Scent

2008-06-30T09:24:00.003-04:00

While moving some things around in my apartment yesterday, I found a tiny, tiny baby mouse. He looked at me. I looked at him. We had a stare-down that lasted about 5 minutes because neither of us knew what to do. So I stomped my foot at him, hoping he'd run back wherever he came from. Then I tried nudging him with a dining room chair. He refused to move, and I sure wasn't going to try to trap him or do anything that necessitated me touching him.

So then I tried to find a water bottle to squirt him with to get him moving. I don't have a water bottle, so I grabbed a bottle of Febreeze instead. I squirted him a couple times, and he didn't move. I squirted again, and he stood still. At this point, I was going to be late for Christy's baby shower so I put down the Febreeze and left.

When I got home 6 hours later, I found the dead baby mouse in the middle of my living room. I feel kinda bad for poisoning a baby mouse with odor neutralizer, but at the same time I don't want mice anywhere near me. At least he died with a pleasant smell.

Hey! Remember 2005?

2008-06-25T13:33:00.001-04:00

I was down with I Love the 80's when it first aired on VH-1 about five years ago. It felt like the exact appropriate time to start laughing at Bill Cosby's sweaters and My Buddy (and I bet you have that theme song stuck in your head now like I do).

Then they did I Love the 70's...which was cool. Most of that stuff was before my time, but I got the nostalgia value of it. I was even ok with most of I Love the 90's, though it started getting iffy toward the end. Let's face it, 1999 really wasn't that long ago.

Now VH-1 is airing I Love the New Millennium, a hearty poke in the ribs of the year 2000 and beyond. I don't know about everyone else, but I have a hard time saying "Hey! Remember Survivor?"...because that show is still on! "Hey! Look at this iPod from 8 years ago! It's huge and it only held like 1,000 songs!"

Um, VH-1? Do you remember discmans, walkmans, or even boomboxes? You know, even though the original iPod is slightly larger than today's model, it's still a touch less unwieldy than trying to run while carrying a Victrola and 30 records. Just sayin'.

The series continues through tomorrow night, when the predictable panel of comedians and assorted nobodies (who must only be let out of their cages for the filming of VH-1 "I Love the ..." retrospectives) make witty banter about Amy Winehouse being a cracked-out nutcase, Michael Vick going to jail for dogfighting and Rachael Ray being annoying, and all those other long-ago events that happened just 9 months ago.

Owning Up

2008-06-23T20:57:00.004-04:00

I feel like it's time to come clean about my potentially embarrassing TV viewing habits. I've admitted to some pretty shameful must-see-TV in the past (Skating with the Stars, anyone?), but lately I seem to have regressed into a 15-year-old girl.

First off, in ascending order of the humiliation factor, America's Best Dance Crew. This one's really not all that bad, but on the other hand, it is hosted by AC Slater. None of this season's crews has caught my complete attention yet like Break Skate and Jabbawockeez last season, but it's only two episodes in.

I missed the first season of Gossip Girl during its initial run on the CW but I've been catching the Monday night reruns. It's kind of like Dawson's Creek only much less innocent. For a girl who grew up in the Middle of Nowhere, PA, it's hard for me to believe teenagers like this actually exist.

The Real World is in its 20th season, and about 15 years past any kind of social significance, but I'm still watching. Mainly to see Dave, this guy I went to high school with and only vaguely remember. And he's been the absolute pride of Waynesboro, as you'd expect of anyone who appears on the Real World.

Parental Control gives me an MTV trifecta. This one is the most embarrassing of the bunch, and I risk my personal reputation by admitting to watching this. Even MTV must be a bit ashamed of this show, as it only airs in the wee hours of the morning. The premise of Parental Control is that a teenager has a girlfriend or boyfriend that their parents find questionable and set out to replace. The parents interview a bunch of candidates and each invites one to go on a date with their child. Then the parents sit in the same room with the discarded significant other, the air full of mutual hatred and disgust, to watch the dates on TV. After the two dates, the child must decide whether to dump their current girlfriend/boyfriend for one of the dates or to stay with the person their parents tried their hardest to dispose of. It's quality television.

I feel much better now that I've admitted to the most unfortunate items on my DVR schedule. Thanks for reading.

The Shoes Made Me Do It

2008-06-20T15:44:00.003-04:00

I love Fridays. I get to wear jeans to work, we have bagels, and we get to leave at 1:00 in the summer. You're totally J, I know it.

Anyway, after I left the office I went over to DSW in search of some basic summery-type shoes for work, preferably in brown. I got no brown basic shoes, and instead left with a pair of zebra print peep-toes with burgundy trim. They'll match next to nothing in my closet, but I don't care because I looove them. :-)

The Pains of Yahoo Radio

2008-06-18T13:52:00.001-04:00

Yahoo Radio is not the most intuitive tool on the internet. Actually, that's a pretty generous statement, because in reality it's about as intuitive as a bag of hammers.

As you listen, you give each song and artist a rating, up to 4 stars for your favorites. The lowest rating is not 1 star, but a circle with a slash through it, indicating "Never play again." So tell me why, with all of the singers that could possibly be played on the country station, Kenny Chesney was played twice within an hour and a half, even though I had previously clicked "never play again" next to his grossly over-exposed mug on my radio player? In that same time span I never heard anything from my 4-star rated artists, by the way.

It's like Yahoo Radio is going out of its way to set me off (probably because after more than four years of use I'm still listening to the free version...) I'd rather slide down a barbed wire covered banister right into a vat of rubbing alcohol than ever hear Nickelback's "Rockstar" again, and Yahoo Radio knows this, but it doesn't stop them from playing it, now does it?

I Wonder...

2008-06-12T13:28:00.004-04:00

What could possibly make someone put a "Drive Naked" plate on the front of their car?

I'm pretty sure it's not leather seats.

The Most Violent Game of Clue Ever

2008-06-10T18:02:00.001-04:00

I was just reading an interesting article full of little "did you knows" about popular board games, and came across this fact: "The original nine weapons were axe, shillelagh, bomb, rope, dagger, pistol, syringe, poison and poker." Wow! Sounds like a dangerously good time!

I'm also currently reading "Monopoly: The Story Behind the World's Best-Selling Game," which is more of a history of Atlantic City than anything else. Which is ok, because Atlantic City is a pretty cool town.

I was really into board games as a kid, but unfortunately, as the youngest in the family I had a hard time convincing anyone to play with me. And let me tell you, Guess Who? is not much fun when you play by yourself...you kind of know all the answers.

How You Know It's Too Hot

2008-06-09T13:01:00.002-04:00

When the only small talk people make with you are comments like "Is it hot enough for ya?" or "It's not the heat, it's the humidity!" Yes, it's insanely hot outside, especially for mid-June. In fact, the thought of wearing pants is completely unbearable (sorry about your luck, guys.) But I do wish people could find another way to start a conversation. Change it up, surprise me.

However, I do prefer stock "how about this heat?" comments over people flapping their arms and wailing about global warming. Luckily I haven't heard any of that yet.

I Laughed, I Cried...It Was Better Than Cats

2008-06-06T16:21:00.003-04:00

I finally saw the Sex and the City movie last night, and I can't believe I actually made it through almost a whole week after opening night without hearing any spoilers! I won't give anything away here and will just say I loved it. Even if it was nearly 2.5 hours, but I'll spend that long sitting on the couch watching episodes on DVD anyway.

Other than that, not much to say...I just felt like I should post something so everyone doesn't think I've mysteriously vanished from the planet.

If I Should Die Tragically at a Young Age...

2008-05-22T09:36:00.003-04:00

Don't make an "In Loving Memory" rear window decal and stick it on your car. This is not how I want to be remembered.

Also, do not go to a mall kiosk and get an airbrushed t-shirt made with my face, the dates of my far too short life and angels floating around.

As a 26-year old single person with no dependents, I have no will, but believe me, when I get one drawn up, these will be legal stipulations. And if, after I die, I look down (or up, depending on how things go) on you and see my name on the back window of your Tercel, I promise I will haunt you until the end of your days.

Social Networking Wars

2008-05-21T08:52:00.004-04:00

If you're getting invited to join every online networking site under the sun like I am, then you'll appreciate this. I currently have profiles on MySpace, Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, Plaxo, and of course my blog here.

My favorite part of the cartoon is the three pillars of MySpace, explained by Tom himself (skanks!). Enjoy!

Ravens Band Gets New Threads

2008-05-19T15:36:00.009-04:00

Check it out here!

Orioles Magic - Catch it Before You Catch Something Else

2008-05-15T13:32:00.004-04:00

This is why Kevin Millar is my favorite Oriole.

Orioles Magic 2008
by gatecitycanes

PS - Booyah! The O's just swept the Red Sox. This is the team I know - losing to the Royals and beating up on the defending World champs.

Where's the Windmill When I Need It?

2008-05-14T15:40:00.003-04:00

Check it out - the company I work for just completed this game, and we're all very proud of it!

Just a warning for competitive types like myself: I've had to force myself to stop playing during work hours because I get stressed out by how bad I am at this.

People ask me why I don't golf. I'm not sure what to say since my impatience over an online game speaks volumes about my personality.

An Essential Skill for All Adults

2008-05-09T13:42:00.004-04:00

I had the good fortune of meeting several new people in the past week or so, most of them college-aged. One thing that stuck out to me was that many of them had poor handshakes.

I guess a strong handshake is not something one typically learns early on in life, and it comes as you gather more experience in business, so I'm willing to overlook the issue with the younger set. It's older people who should know better, so locking hands with someone, say, 30 years old, with a cold, limp handshake is really off-putting. It's difficult to trust someone who actually feels slimy or unconfident.

And now some advice for the upcoming college grads who are going to be looking for a job soon. An article I came across today backs me up by proving that people with the best handshakes are most likely to get hired.

This Weekend, in a Nutshell

2008-05-05T09:15:00.003-04:00

BSO
Drink
Sleep
Hangover
5k
Eat
Nap
Watch TV
Drink
Sleep
Hangover
Eat
Nap
Football
Eat
Watch TV
Sleep

Totally Inaprope

2008-05-03T14:34:00.004-04:00

In the past month, I've been out to three events (outside of work) that dictate nice dress. Dinner at Oceanaire Seafood Room, dinner at Brewer's Art followed by Blast! at the Lyric Opera House, and last night I saw a performance by the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra.

After seeing a parade of inappropriate outfits, I feel I have to say something. As much as it pains me, I'm even forgiving outright bad fashion because even though these people need the help of Clinton & Stacy, at least they kind of had the right idea about what to wear to such events. Here's a sampling of the things I saw just last night:

- a white denim cutoff FRAYED micromini skirt
- no less than 10 pairs of jeans
- an outfit that was essentially a slip and fishnet stockings
- electric purple leggings with navy blue Ugg boots
- a backwards ball cap

and the winner...

a guy wearing an old man party shirt (a Hawaiian print shirt for those of you who don't know my lingo), khaki shorts and mandals. I'm wondering what exactly about Carmina Burana made this guy think beachwear was a good choice.

If not for trips to the symphony or theater, I wonder, what do these people dress up for? I have an announcement for all the sloppy, oblivious dressers out there: THE WORLD IS NOT YOUR SLUMBER PARTY.

Speed Racer in my Cereal

2008-05-02T08:51:00.004-04:00

This morning I opened up a new box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and as I was pouring some into a bowl, a plastic-wrapped object fell in. It was a toy. An actual toy. I can't remember the last time that happened, but I'm willing to bet I was still watching TGIF and wearing Sketchers at the time.

It's a Speed Racer turbo car. Normally I'd throw it out because I don't need more stuff junking up my desk, but I'm going to keep it (for a few days at least) because getting a toy and not some lame code to type into a Web site is actually kind of exciting.

Update: I really thought I'd be able to zing this car from my desk over to Ben's using a makeshift ramp made of a calculator and a thin piece of cardstock, but it didn't work. :-( Now I'm kinda disappointed in the car.

Punishment for Doing the Right Thing

2008-04-28T20:48:00.003-04:00

Since my company moved to a new office in Hunt Valley in December, I've been carpooling to work with a couple co-workers who live in the neighborhood several times a week. It's good for the environment and all of our wallets.

The saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished:

A ticket for leaving my car parked in a Monday street cleaning zone. Getting this ticket wouldn't bother me quite so much if the street cleaners actually cleaned the street! Ticketing carpoolers and leaving trash in the streets...I guess Baltimore City must hate the earth.

The Curious Incident of the Mouse in the Night Time

2008-04-25T13:11:00.001-04:00

There was a note on the door of my apartment building when I got home from work last night saying there would be a mandatory inspection of each apartment today.

I think I might have an idea why. It seems there's a bit of a mouse issue in our building, and I for one am happy that they are finally going to figure out what's causing it. I know it's not my unit, because I spend far too much time cleaning to have a mouse problem. And the ones that are there just seem to be passing through and not booking an extended stay.

My suspicion is that crazy dead dog lady is behind the dirty apartment that's inviting the rodents in. I've never seen her place, but I can't say there is a pleasant smell coming from it when I walk by...and then you factor in the whole dead dog event plus my experience last weekend with her, and I'm thinking maybe she doesn't quite have it all together.

Anyway, this mouse investigation can't be done soon enough after my unfortunate run-in with one of the visitors last night. While cooking dinner (ok, I was warming up leftover idiot-proof-dinner-in-a-bag in the microwave), I was tidying up the kitchen a bit. I picked up my Homer Simpson pot holder and was about to hang it on its wall hook when I noticed it felt a little heavy. I squeezed the finger end and a mouse appeared at the opening. He was kinda chill, like, "yeah...can I help you?" I screamed and dropped the pot holder on the floor, and the mouse made his get-away. Amy says she saw him run behind the radiator in the living room and she believes he squeezed out of an opening where the trim has separated from the wall.

And if this maintenance inspection doesn't eradicate the problem, then I guess it's up to me to begin the full-on mouse assault. I won't settle for the "nice" mouse traps this time, it'll be snap traps. Not the sticky traps, the last thing I need is a three-legged mouse bleeding all over the place.

You're goin down, mice.

Crazy Dead Dog Lady

2008-04-21T14:07:00.001-04:00

Yesterday I woke up at 6:45 because I was expecting someone from Comcast to install a DVR box, and I was told they would be there any time between 7 and 10 a.m. Of course they're not going to show up at 7, but I thought I should get up just in case. He didn't get there til 10:45, and I was so bored I actually watched 3 episodes of Full House. The ones where they go to Disney World.

Anyway, my equipment was installed quickly and with no major issues to deal with. It looked like all the rain in the area had a chance of missing Baltimore, and that my football game would actually happen. No luck - we had a half hour downpour that canceled all games. So I just parked on the couch for the rest of the day.

I was watching Celebrity Fit Club when there was a knock at my door. Since there is no peep hole, I cracked the door open to see who it was. It was the crazy lady who lives downstairs. Let me give you a little background on this character.

I don't know her name - I've ever gone out of my way to learn it, and she's never asked me mine. She's made comments to me before, usually complaining about the mailboxes or the laundry room or something similar. One time she made a snide remark about my being a lonely single because I was home on a Tuesday evening, and I chose to ignore her. When I first moved in last July, I noticed that she had a morbidly obese dachsund, and she often let it wander around outside by itself. In downtown Baltimore. On St. Paul Street. Anyway, Amy and I noticed that we hadn't seen the dog in a while, but there was also a mysterious box sitting on the curb in front of the building (now referred to as the "Box of Fright"). In late July, it gets quite steamy, and after a few days, the box had a bunch of flies buzzing around and it was....leaking...something. And it smelled really bad. Amy was the brave soul who poked the top of the box off to see what was inside, and it was a garbage bag wrapped around something that was in the shape of a fat dachsund. You can see where I'm going with this.

Anyway, so crazy dead dog lady asks me if she can use my phone because she locked herself out of her apartment. So of course I dial the emergency maintenance weekend line for her. They said they'd be out shortly, and she went away. 10 minutes later she knocked on my door again, asking me if her phone rang. Confused, I asked if she left her phone in my apartment, which makes no sense because her phone was locked in her apartment. No, she wanted to know if my phone had rung, because it sounded like her phone...which also made no sense. I kind of stared at her for a minute, trying to figure out what she was getting at, and then she left.

She came back again another 10 minutes later, not asking if she could use my phone, but instead telling me she needed to use my phone. So I let her, then sat back down to watch tv. While she's on the phone, I hear a rustling sound and I turn to see her taking candy off my coffee table. I didn't realize candy I kept in the privacy of my own apartment was communal to the entire building, but whatever. I didn't argue. Once she finished eating my candy and talking on my phone, she left, and the maintenance guys finally showed up to let her back in her apartment.

And I'm going to see if I can get a peephole installed.

Out in Left Field

2008-04-20T00:53:00.001-04:00

Thursday night I went to my first O's game of the year. It was perfect timing - the weather was fantastic and we won an exciting 10 inning game.

AND - most importantly - I got my inaugural cup of Dippin' Dots.

We found my friends Lynn and Timmy in a kind of unusual way. They were showing people acting goofy during a between-the-innings Fan of the Game thing on the scoreboard, and in one shot I thought I saw Timmy in the corner. Then a few seconds later my suspicion was confirmed when I saw them both. Not having either of their phone numbers handy, we called a mutual friend and asked him to call Lynn and have her call us so we could meet up.

There was a guy sitting across the aisle who had clearly been drinking his face off for quite a while. He was wearing womens' sunglasses and kept taking pictures of everybody - the beer vendors, us, the other fans sitting nearby. Early on, he asked if we were in left field, explaining that this was his first baseball game. He also said that he had been drinking "since the other day."

The O's installed brand new scoreboards over the off-season and they looked really nice. You can see them in the picture above. There's two screens on the main scoreboard, plus a new screen for the out of town scores, and two mini screens to show current game stats. They used to have the old-fashioned light bulb style screens. One time in eighth grade Lea and I went to a game, and some of the bulbs were burned out, making some things difficult to read. There was a graphic of a train that allegedly read "Oriole Express" but it sure looked like "Bible Express" to us. Anyway, that won't be an issue anymore.

The great weekend of Baltimore baseball continues, with the Yankees being completely owned by the O's. I know it's only April, but how can you *not* watch the Yanks get spanked without a feeling of glee?

McNair Retiring

2008-04-17T13:02:00.002-04:00

So Steve McNair has decided to finally hang up the cleats and band-aids. After the mess that was the 2007 season, I kind of saw this coming, but I'm still a little surprised, and a little sad, too. A part of me was hoping he'd get better and give Baltimore a repeat of the awesome 13-3 season we had in '06.

I don't think anyone can honestly say a bad thing about this guy. He was the face of the Titans for a decade, and the way they tell him to get lost is by locking him out of the team weight room. Way to stay classy, Tennessee. We appreciated him here in Bmore, though. I'm happy he didn't pull a Favre and make a huge spectacle out of the is he or isn't he decision.

One thing I'm fairly certain of is that with Brian Billick's exit, the Kyle Boller era is over in Baltimore, too. I'm confident he'll make an excellent Subway sandwich artist. We've got Troy Smith, who showed a lot in the split second he was allowed on the field last year, and word has it the Ravens plan to take a QB in the first round of next weekend's draft. I'm hopeful for the upcoming season, because it's not like it can get much worse than what we saw last year.

Here's the story on McNair's retirement from ESPN.

Left-Handed Trumpet Player Fail

2008-04-15T08:46:00.003-04:00

I love this - it's part of a mural inside Ram's Head Live at PowerPlant.

Legs of Jelly

2008-04-14T13:16:00.001-04:00

I can make a check on my "To Do Before I Die" list: I ran a 5k on Saturday. Well, ran is kind of misleading, since I did a lot of walking, but that's beside the point. The point is, I finished it and I didn't finish last. Mike A. and his friend Brian did it, too, and while we were all happy at our first time attempts, reality set in when we realized all three of us got beat handily by a bunch of senior citizens.

The race was in the suburban hell I call Columbia. The office park scenery was less than inspiring, and the informational Web site lied when they said there was one incline that may be a challenge to experienced runners. There were at least four different inclines on the course, and each one seemed to be worse than the one before it.

There were a bunch of people clapping and cheering the participants on in the stretch of road leading up to the finish line. Where were these people a mile ago? That's when I really needed a cheering squad. But the real reward was the food afterward. Runners really know how to eat. And the complimentary massages were a nice touch.

It was a good warm-up for our next one on May 3. That one will be in downtown Baltimore, which is at least more interesting to look at. In the end, I really hope that I can learn to enjoy running, because at this point it's not much fun and I spend most of my time wondering what possessed me to start doing it in the first place.

Attention Shamrock Shake Fans!

2008-04-11T14:31:00.002-04:00

Great news: I just found a post on Evite's blog about making your own shamrock shakes from scratch. I gotta try this out myself (and I also gotta buy a blender first...)

Check it out here.

I'll Name You Terrance

2008-04-09T14:22:00.003-04:00

I finally got a GPS device for my car a few weeks ago. It's a Garmin Nuvi 200 and it's pretty much the best thing ever invented. The first test was Easter weekend when I visited home, and it took me on a really nice scenic route that avoided most highways and was actually quicker than the normal route I've been driving the last four years.

After playing around with the settings for a while, I settled on the female British voice to give directions. (I had it on German - actual German, and not an accent - for about a minute and half before I realized I don't remember the language as well as I thought I did). I've heard from several people that once you settle on a voice for the device you need to give it a name, so that when it's wrong you can scold it properly. One friend has named their device Fiona, and another Daniel.

My wish is that you could set it to a Canadian accent. "Take the first right at the roond-aboot," Terrance would tell me. Or, "In .5 miles, make a left, eh?" The only problem with this is that no matter which destination I set it to, I would probably end up at some hockey game. Or the Molson factory. Or a Nickelback concert.

On second thought, I believe I'll stick with the British accent.

Setting the Bar

2008-04-02T09:33:00.001-04:00

I had a dream last night that my tax return was $100,000. Which of course is crazy since I didn't even come close to making $100,000 gross income in 2007, but you know there's no logic in dreamland.

So I woke up this morning, and about 5 minutes after I had already decided how to spend the money, I realized it wasn't true. Bummer! I'm expecting to find out what my actual return is pretty soon, but there's no way a couple hundred dollars will live up to the high expectations set by my dream.

The Sublety of April Fool's Day

2008-04-01T20:01:00.003-04:00

Now that I'm 26, it's time to sit in my rocking chair and lecture all you youngsters about how April Fool's Day is supposed to go.

Back in my day, an April Fool's prank was clever and almost believable. The ones I've seen today (and there are now way too many of them on the internet) are so outlandish that I can't help but be a no-fun snob and roll my eyes at them.

For example, on American Idol Ryan Seacrest opened the show by saying tonight's broadcast has been canceled because of a songwriter's strike and that Fox will be showing a celebrity version of the Moment of Truth starring Simon Cowell instead. Joke's on you, pal, because that was lame.

But my biggest disappointment was in the Record Herald, my hometown paper which always had a silly but subtle headline and photo by Lirpa Loof. Like one year when they reported a tornado over Northside Pool that left the pool completely dry. This year was a horribly photoshopped image of the Taj Mahal in Waynecastle (the area between, you guessed it, Waynesboro and Greencastle).

The worst part of the whole thing, though is this: "The photo is The Record Herald’s annual April Fool’s Day offering courtesy of Lirpa Loof (April Fool spelled backwards)."

If you're going to do such an obvious April Fool's prank, don't further insult me by explaining that Lirpa Loof is actually April Fool backwards.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to watching Matlock and enjoying my bowl of oatmeal. Now get off my lawn!

The Wegman's Experience

2008-03-28T14:04:00.001-04:00

Wegman's is a classy kind of grocery store, but that doesn't stop unclassy people from shopping there. On my last two visits I've encountered some really rude people who are blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

A few weeks ago I dropped in to get lunch in the Wegman's market place area of the store. I only have an hour, so bobbing and weaving around dopey housewives doing their grocery shopping in a leisurely fashion in the middle of the day was not how I planned to spend my break. As I sat down to eat upstairs a couple of about 40-ish had just finished, and when the man stood up he dropped his empty Snapple bottle on the floor. Shards of glass went everywhere, and instead of looking mortified (as I would have) they laughed. And then left. Luckily a Wegman's employee was nearby and came to sweep up this lovely pair's mess for them and no one got hurt.

Today I was sitting next to a woman who was having lunch with her young daughter. I think it's nice when parents spend time with their kids, as I know I always had a good time when I got to go out to lunch with my dad when I was younger. Except this mom was yakking on the phone the entire time they were there as the kid looked bored and kind of sad. When mom finally ended her call, she started text messaging. The girl stood up with her bag of Fritos and accidentally dumped half the bag all over the floor. She started crying because she wanted to eat the chips. Her mom laughed, then they both left.

I always thought that Wal-Mart customers were the rudest people in the world, but I'm starting to believe that they may actually be an improvement over the too-good-to-feel-embarrassed-or-clean-up-after-myself crowd at Wegman's.

Not Walking Softly

2008-03-25T21:06:00.002-04:00

Yesterday at work I was rounding the corner when one of the VPs called me back to his office. He told me I have a really intimidating walk, and that when he heard me coming he thought to himself "someone's gonna get it."

So now I'm overly conscious of the sound I make as I'm walking, and I'm trying to figure out what it is about it that is intimidating. Is it my pace? Is it an "authoritative" sounding step? I don't know. But if you've got problem employees at your office, I'd be happy to come in and walk around to scare them straight. Rates can be negotiated at a later time.

Irish Eyes Smile on Marching Ravens

2008-03-17T16:13:00.002-04:00

Read about it here

But Will There Be Pi?

2008-03-14T15:48:00.004-04:00

It's 3.14 - happy Pi Day! I had pizza for lunch, of course. Perhaps I will get a cherry pie at the grocery store tonight and do this holiday up right.

And tomorrow, beware the Ides of March.

I know I'm a major dork, so no need to point that out.

All-Consuming Curiosity

2008-03-10T17:44:00.001-04:00

Have you ever wondered about something really insignificant to an absurd level? This weekend I was watching TV when an ad for some kind of Dove beauty product (I think it was either lotion or body wash) came on. I just so happened to have a bag of Dove candy on my coffee table, and both products were in my line of sight at the same time. For some reason the thought had never crossed my mind that these two completely different companies had the same name.

Or were they different companies? Maybe Dove took a page out of Yamaha's book of making both pianos and motorcycles and decided to specialize in chocolate and cellulite-firming creams. I had to know which scenario was correct, but Wikipedia and all other Web sources failed me.

Since I'm a "gotta know or it'll kill me" kind of person, I sent an e-mail to the Dove beauty products web site. Today I got my answer:

Hi Jennifer,

Thanks for writing!

Our Dove baths and body products are manufactured through Unilever. As for the Dove chocolates they are not affiliated with us.

Thanks for your interest!
Your friends at Dove

And there you have it. Just in case you were wondering...which you probably weren't.

Spotted at the Walgreen's on Fayette Street

2008-03-07T11:04:00.002-05:00

6 (+1 Alternate) Angry Jurors

2008-03-05T17:59:00.001-05:00

So yesterday was my day to serve the city of Baltimore and report for jury duty. I'll spare you most of the details of standing in a line, then sitting in a room, then standing in another line, then sitting in a different room, etc., and hit you with the lowlights.

Now I will put this disclaimer out there: I thought this was an interesting experience and I enjoyed witnessing a true cross-section of Baltimore City's residents. But overall I felt my presence really wasn't needed.

With a low number of 246, I got called into a courtroom for the first jury selection of the day, at around 10:30. The 40 jurors present each rose and said "here" when our number was called, and we were told to raise our hands if we answered yes to any of the judge's questions (stuff like "do you recognize these people or those people," "are you familiar with this block of this street," "have you ever been involved in a property dispute"). I didn't answer yes to any of these.

Then about half of us in the room (not including me) were asked to approach the bench for a short questioning by the judge and two lawyers on the case while a static-y white noise sound was played over the loudspeaker, preventing the rest of us to hear what was going on. Of those people, 6 jurors and one alternate was chosen. And that was that. I was hoping to get sent home, but instead we all got sent back to the waiting room, presumably to get sent to another selection later in the day.

While my couch at home would have been a nice place to have been, I really couldn't complain too much about the worn maroon leather couch I got to sit on the rest of the day. It was especially nice after Captain Snorey next to me was called to one of the courtrooms and I was able to stretch out and read. I had an out-dated issue of Time magazine that someone had scribbled their commentary on:

If you can't make it out, that's a big "666" next to Barack Obama and a pair of devil horns and a Satan beard drawn on John McCain's face.

I called my boss during my lunch break to see what I had missed out on the past two days. She wished me luck and told me to try not to get picked. My entire strategy for the day was to sneeze on decision makers and look as judgmental as possible, but I never even got a chance to to any of this.

The jury clerk, who probably realized how boring his job was about halfway through his first day, did his best to entertain himself and the depressed, sallow-looking people sitting in the fluorescent-lit waiting rooms. Instead of simply requesting a certain person report to the counter, they were given a "shout out," and during the announcement of our lunch break he told us that we'd be broken into two groups - one would be required to return by 1:45 and the other at a quarter of two. Not hilarious, but aside from the unintentionally funny Sir Snoresalot, it was the only thing to make me smile all day.

I made $15 for my trouble, but spent $7 on lunch and $1.25 on a bottle of Mountain Dew. I was going to take a cab home, but I figured, it's a nice day, so why not walk a few blocks and save a bit of cash. I didn't get tired til I got to Mt. Royal, and by then it would be kind of ridiculous to take a cab five blocks, so I toughed it out. I thought maybe some light exercise would be good for my immune system, and if nothing else it would tire me out and I'd get to sleep early. Not so, as my late night Brett Favre diatribe proved.

Brett Favre

2008-03-05T00:19:00.003-05:00

I heard Brett Favre announced his retirement from the NFL today, perhaps ESPN mentioned it quickly after curling highlights.

Non-stop retrospectives, weepy violin music and slow-motion video fit for the death of a member of royalty, and the sports talking heads obsessing over Favre's place in the all-time NFL quarterback hierarchy. The SportsNation poll tonight: Is Brett Favre in the top 10, top 5, top 3 or is he *the* top guy ever? I think America voted top 5.

Wherever he ends up ranked, let's have a little perspective here. He's a sports figure, not a hero. Heroes rush into burning buildings while others are rushing out, and heroes fearlessly fight overseas in dangerous conditions for the rights of those of us at home. Heroes do not rake in squillions of dollars by flinging a football around for 5 or 6 months out of the year (and in Favre's case, he really did usually just fling, rather than expertly throw, the ball).

I guess I can understand why the people of Wisconsin feel so devastated by this retirement. The only other thing they have to look forward to every day is cheese. Although, I do like cheese. A lot...You know what, scratch that, Wisconsinites are lucky to have cheese to look forward to every day.

Feeling Gross

2008-03-03T11:33:00.002-05:00

I'm spending the next two days out of the office. Today because I've got the flu or a respiratory infection or something equally gross, and tomorrow for jury duty. Or, as my co-worker Thom calls it, the "world's worst vacation."

I played the part of a 70-year old smoker all weekend with my voice, but didn't start feeling sick until last night. What I really needed today was to wear sweatpants and stick tissues up my nose, and I can't really get away with that in the office.

This is my first time being called for jury duty, and aside from what others have told me about their experiences, I'm not totally sure what to expect. Hopefully I won't get picked for any cases, but from what I hear white women are quite in demand in these parts. They won't be able to get rid of me fast enough if I keep sneezing and coughing all over the place, though.

I Can Has Shamrock Shake

2008-02-25T17:41:00.001-05:00

...and other tales from my weekend

Here's a photo of my first Shamrock Shake of 2008, and I had to drive all the way to New Jersey to get it. Well, and to do some other stuff too. Christy and I rewarded ourselves with happiness in a cup after a long morning of shopping at the Atlantic City outlets, which included fabulous new shoes for both of us.

Overall, I was down $100 for the weekend on the slots, but it's ok because I got to spend some time with people I definitely don't get to see enough of these days.

You know what I got to see too much of this weekend? Uggs and other furry boots, usually worn either with too-short short skirts or with skinny jeans tucked in. Someone tell me when Atlantic City became an arctic climate area, because I must have missed it.

Oh, one other detail that I would be negligent in omitting. Monkey on a leash. We saw a guy walking a diaper-wearing monkey on a leash at the Pier mall. If I had been able to snap out of my shocked stupor sooner, I would have a much more interesting picture to post here. In any case, I think if I die tomorrow I will be able to say that I've officially seen it all.

At the End of the Day...There are Many Cliches

2008-02-21T12:43:00.001-05:00

You know what drives me crazy? People who use the biggest possible words when a smaller one will do just as well or even better, because they think big words = smart people (sort of the same way loud talking = important people).

Example: Utilize

Just so we're all clear, utilize has the same exact meaning as use. The only difference is the extra syllables. So please, use the word "use" next time your tongue itches to say "utilize."

I got talking about this with some friends last night, and we had a whole bunch of corporate lingo bouncing around the table. One of my favorites was from Leroy, who said when he worked at Target everyone kept saying they needed to "get their arms around" things. "It's a store! I can't get my arms around a store!"

Today I've already heard this phrase used twice, plus the variation of "let's get our heads wrapped around it."

Another one I madly dislike is "soup to nuts" which means from beginning to end. If you want to say "beginning to end" then just say "beginning to end." Then you wouldn't sound like such a corporate stooge.

Let's "drill down" and "think outside the box" to "grab the low-hanging fruit" in order to "fill our pipelines" and "put a band-aid" on our "bandwidth" issues.

There is no useful information here! This stuff is simply filling the air with words. I believe that, "at the end of the day," I'm having a major "disconnect" with this way of speaking.

Not so Fast

2008-02-20T08:47:00.000-05:00

On a normal day, I make my way to work in a fairly speedy fashion. I'm not a dangerous driver, I just like to expediently get where I'm going. Today though, I rode all the way up 83 until it splits at the beltway behind a slow car in the right lane only because there was a big golden retriever in the back seat smiling at me the entire way. It made me happy and I was a little sad to see that car go the other way at the fork.

Disappointment in my Bowl

2008-02-18T08:46:00.001-05:00

Breakfast cereal is certainly getting expensive. $5 for a box? And not even the family-sized ones, I'm talking the normal sized boxes. So when I need to buy it, I either get what's on sale at the Not-so-Safeway or buy at Target where it's always around $2.50 a box.

I'm partial to Cocoa Pebbles, but Cocoa Crispies were on sale this weekend so I bought that instead. I figured it's the same thing, so why not? Except it wasn't the same thing, not even close. After the snapping, crackling and popping (which I guess is the sound that is produced as the milk causes all the chocolate flavoring to immediately vanish from the cereal) there is this funky after-taste that I can't even describe. It was almost plastic-y. Just really gross, and I might as well toss the box because I can't imagine subjecting myself to that again tomorrow morning.

There is another cereal-related crisis I'm having. Where are the Alpha-Bits? I haven't seen it on store shelves in years and I really miss it. According to Wikipedia, Alpha-Bits are still around, but perhaps they've become more of a regional product. For some inexplicable reason they're listed on Amazon.com, but are not available for purchase at this time. I'm bookmarking this page and buying 5 boxes as soon as they become available.

The Post Office Listens to Me

2008-02-17T19:13:00.003-05:00

I was just complaining about the lack of Entertainment Weekly magazines in my mailbox on Friday, saying that I suspected the mailman was pilfering them. Wouldn't you know, when I opened the box on Saturday afternoon I found three issues, dated February 8, February 15 and February 22. The USPS must have heard my accusation and immediately rectified the situation.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to publicly announce that I was expecting 10 million dollars in cash to arrive in the mail last week. I hope that it will, too, find its way to my box in a speedy manner.

A Not-Very-Exciting Wednesday

2008-02-13T08:44:00.002-05:00

In case anyone was wondering about the Blockbuster fees I was asking about last week (although I suspect no one is) I just got a pre-recorded phone call reminding me that I have one rental out past its due date. If I bring it in after Friday they'll charge me the full price for it. In any case, I already decided to subscribe to Netflix. For $9 a month, I can get unlimited movies, one at a time. Not too shabby, considering each new release at Blockbuster is $5.

In other news, I decided to skip voting in the primary last night after taking nearly 1.5 hours to drive from Hunt Valley to Charles Village and then coming >this< close to breaking my tailbone on some concrete stairs. The upside to the ice storm is that it gave me an excuse to wear my ridiculous flowered rain boots!

The AP Should Start Working on That Vince Gill Obit...

2008-02-11T08:38:00.001-05:00

I watched the Grammy's last night. I can't remember the last time I actually sat through an awards show of any kind, but now that football season is over, I don't remember what I'm supposed to do with myself on Sunday nights.

My favorite moments:
Vince Gill totally calling out Kanye West for his bratty behavior. I think it's likely that Gill will be found outside his recording studio riddled with mysterious gunshot wounds within a week.

Herbie Hancock, Lang Lang and a full orchestra performing Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue. I hope to see the BSO's performance later this year, so this was a nice preview.

Oldy Oldenstein rockin out on his trombone during Aretha Franklin's performance.

Amy Winehouse's reaction to winning Record of the Year. I couldn't tell if it was genuine shock and surprise, or if she was under a druggy haze because it seemed like she didn't know who she was or what she was supposed to be doing.

Beatles Love Cirque du Soleil thing. I really liked the show when I saw it in Vegas.

Least favorite moments:
Aretha Franklin's right arm...she's a great singer, yes, but some people need sleeves.

Fergie singing notes that would get her kicked off American Idol in about 2.5 seconds.

Kanye West reprimanding the guy playing the "hurry up and finish" music. It wasn't meant to be a personal insult, so get over yourself.

George Lopez. What was he even doing there? His astute statement: This is the only country where a woman and a black guy can run for President of the United States. Oh really? You're surprised that people outside the US can't run for POTUS? Yeah, I get what he was trying to say, but the stumble ruined his lame attempt at a joke.

A barely coherent Jerry Lee Lewis.

Blockbuster Late Fees?

2008-02-08T17:14:00.001-05:00

Do they or don't they? Charge a late fee, I mean. I can't find a definitive answer on Blockbuster's web site or anyplace else.

I decided to go on a movie watching rampage last weekend and catch up on all the films I've wanted to see but haven't gotten around to, and ended up renting 4 DVDs at Blockbuster on Friday. Well it's Friday once again and the discs are "due" back tomorrow, and I've yet to watch two of them.

I put "due" in quotation marks because I do remember the big media blitz about Blockbuster abolishing late fees about 3 years ago to counteract the Netflix effect, but I believe they've been phasing out the policy over time. Because, well, if there's no punishment for turning in movies late, people will keep them and there will be no movies at the store to rent.

So if anyone knows what the deal is, please fill me in.

Ravens Band Does the Polar Bear Plunge

2008-02-07T14:03:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to share an article I wrote about Bones and More, a team made up of Ravens Band members who raised a lot of money for Special Olympics Maryland by participating in this year's Polar Bear Plunge. Check it out!

Marching Ravens Brave Cold Waters for a Good Cause

Hooray for the Smoking Ban!

2008-02-01T09:42:00.002-05:00

Excuse me while I do a little victory dance.

As of midnight last night, a smoking ban went into effect for the entire state of Maryland. Never again will I have to stand in front of my closet while getting ready for a night at the bars and think about which items of clothing I don't mind getting soaked with the stench of cigarette smoke. I won't have to shiver on a winter night and run from the car to wherever I'm going because I don't want my good heavy coats to smell. AND I won't have to worry about rude chain smokers blowing smoke directly in my face all evening.

Finally, NON-smoker's rights take priority over smoker's rights. Thank you for doing something right, Maryland government.

The New Hire

2008-01-24T13:17:00.001-05:00

When I got back to my desk yesterday right around quittin' time after a long meeting, I learned the frightful news that the Ravens hired Cam Cameron as our new Offensive Coordinator. After I read this I announced that this was one of the worst ideas ever.

My officemate Ben (who's a Redskins fan, so what does he know anyway) said "You had Brian Billick calling plays this year. Do you really think it could get any worse?"

My answer: YES, we could have the coach of the 2007 Dolphins calling our plays. And Ben agreed that he probably should have thought about that before he asked the question.

The Worst Movie in History

2008-01-23T19:26:00.001-05:00

The worst movie I've ever seen is From Dusk til Dawn. Started out as a typical Quentin Tarantino movie, then morphed into a vampire movie. Wha?

Monday night I went to dinner and a movie with a group of girls from work. We saw 27 Dresses, and it was a really cute and really predictable chick flick. I'm the first one to openly admit that I like chick flicks, and chick lit, too. It's pretty mindless and fun, but I do have my limits. I don't like to feel as though my intelligence is being insulted.

The first preview was Fool's Gold, another movie starring Kate "My Mom was Famous and That's Why I'm Famous" Hudson and Matthew "Dirty Hippie Who Plays the Bongos in the Nude" McConoughey. (I don't even care enough to look up how to spell his name). I believe this movie has the potential to be one of the worst movies ever made. Ever. Well, that and Meet the Spartans. I mean, talk about aiming for the lowest common denominator. 2008 is shaping up to be an impressive year at the movies. Thank goodness we have so many great TV shows to watch to get us through!

Hey, Do You Know...

2008-01-22T08:45:00.001-05:00

Do you ever tell people where you went to college and have them shoot back with, "hey do you know..." I went to Shippensburg, a fairly small state school in PA, and I'm surprised when anyone in Baltimore has actually heard of it, much less knows someone else who went there. Even so, we still had a total enrollment of about 7-8,000 students. What are the odds that I know your friend from high school?

Turns out, pretty good. A couple of months ago I met a few guys at Max's in Fells Point who went to Bloomsburg, and when I told them I went to Ship they asked if I knew Mike (last name). I was about to immediately answer no, because this game never actually works. But then I thought about it for a second because the name definitely sounded familiar and realized he was a sousaphone player in the band who was a senior my freshman year.

Last night I was out for dinner and a movie with a bunch of girls from work, and one of them asked where I went to school and then asked if I knew Brynna (last name). I do in fact know her, she was the president of Sigma Tau Delta the year before me. (Yes, I was the president of the English fraternity and the letters are STD. There's no joke you can make that I haven't already heard).

/"It's a Small World" recording