Happy "Don't Be Such a Loser" Week

If you're taking this week off work, you will likely spend a decent amount of time watching TV. Christmas commercials have been phased out, and now advertisers have lined up commercials created to prey on your deepest insecurities as the New Year approaches. In the days leading up to January 1, most people spend time wallowing in self-loathing as they think about the ways in which they fail as humans and dream up unrealistic New Year's Resolutions that will be abandoned within 3 weeks.

This week is what I like to call advertising's "Don't Be Such a Loser" Week. Instead of fast-forwarding through commercials on your DVR, pay attention to the subliminal messages you're being delivered:

Resolution: Lose Weight
What you need to buy to succeed: Weight loss systems like Weight Watchers and Nutrisystem, gym memberships, at-home exercise programs like Zumba and Hip Hop Abs
Confidence-crushing message: Hey fattie, maybe you should have thought twice before stuffing all those Christmas cookies down your gullet!

Resolution: Get a Better Job
What you need to buy to succeed: a certificate from a trade school, paid "premium" memberships to online job search boards like Monster and CareerBuilder
Confidence-crushing message: You're wasting your potential by staying in your soul-sucking current job that doesn't pay you nearly enough money!

Resolution: Get Organized
What you need to buy to succeed: one of everything at the Container Store
Confidence-crushing message: OMG your whole life is a complete mess.

Resolution: Fall in Love
What you need to buy to succeed: paid memberships to online dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com
Confidence-crushing message: Your mother is so disappointed in you because you're still not married and producing grandchildren for her. And isn't it lonely to have no one but your cat to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve? You may as well pack it up and join a nunnery.

Resolution: Get Out of Debt
What you need to buy to succeed: Credit consolidation services, "free" credit score reporting websites that aren't actually free, Cash4Gold.com
Confidence-crushing message: Isn't it a terrible burden to carry so much debt? Instead of paying off the money you owe the honorable way, learn some shady methods to do it...even though those "easy" methods will likely do more damage than good.

Resolutions may actually work for those people who choose one or two goals and create realistic plans that consist of not just quick fix money wasters, but complete lifestyle changes. But I'm an eternal cynic and see that companies are simply trying to fool people into throwing money at their problems. Fight the urge! If you still feel strongly about making a change in your life, then don't wait til January 1 to do it just because society tells you to.

I'm a Parallel Parking Rock Star

The Mysterious Disappearance of the Ugly Shoes

So there's an apartment on the first floor of my building that always has shoes sitting outside the door. I guess whoever lives there has some kind of phobia about bringing germs in on their shoes. Usually it's a pair of men's black shoes, or maybe some flip flops, but today I saw a pair of big red Crocs fit for a clown.

It crossed my mind for a split second that I should take the shoes and leave a note that says "You'll thank me for this" and then dump the shoes in a garbage can on the way out...but that would be really mean. Even though I would love nothing more than to sweep the country of its ugly tourist shoe habit.

Death by a Delightfully Fresh Scent

While moving some things around in my apartment yesterday, I found a tiny, tiny baby mouse. He looked at me. I looked at him. We had a stare-down that lasted about 5 minutes because neither of us knew what to do. So I stomped my foot at him, hoping he'd run back wherever he came from. Then I tried nudging him with a dining room chair. He refused to move, and I sure wasn't going to try to trap him or do anything that necessitated me touching him.

So then I tried to find a water bottle to squirt him with to get him moving. I don't have a water bottle, so I grabbed a bottle of Febreeze instead. I squirted him a couple times, and he didn't move. I squirted again, and he stood still. At this point, I was going to be late for a baby shower so I put down the Febreeze and left.

When I got home 6 hours later, I found the dead baby mouse in the middle of my living room. I feel kinda bad for poisoning a baby mouse with odor neutralizer, but at the same time I don't want mice anywhere near me. At least he died with a pleasant smell.

If I Should Die Tragically at a Young Age...

Don't make an "In Loving Memory" rear window decal and stick it on your car. This is not how I want to be remembered.

Also, do not go to a mall kiosk and get an airbrushed t-shirt made with my face, the dates of my far too short life and angels floating around.

As a 26-year old single person with no dependents, I have no will, but believe me, when I get one drawn up, these will be legal stipulations. And if, after I die, I look down (or up, depending on how things go) on you and see my name on the back window of your Tercel, I promise I will haunt you until the end of your days.

The Curious Incident of the Mouse in the Night Time

There was a note on the door of my apartment building when I got home from work last night saying there would be a mandatory inspection of each apartment today.

I think I might have an idea why. It seems there's a bit of a mouse issue in our building, and I for one am happy that they are finally going to figure out what's causing it. I know it's not my unit, because I spend far too much time cleaning to have a mouse problem. And the ones that are there just seem to be passing through and not booking an extended stay.

My suspicion is that crazy dead dog lady is behind the dirty apartment that's inviting the rodents in. I've never seen her place, but I can't say there is a pleasant smell coming from it when I walk by...and then you factor in the whole dead dog event plus my experience last weekend with her, and I'm thinking maybe she doesn't quite have it all together.

Anyway, this mouse investigation can't be done soon enough after my unfortunate run-in with one of the visitors last night. While cooking dinner (ok, I was warming up leftover idiot-proof-dinner-in-a-bag in the microwave), I was tidying up the kitchen a bit. I picked up my Homer Simpson pot holder and was about to hang it on its wall hook when I noticed it felt a little heavy. I squeezed the finger end and a mouse appeared at the opening. He was kinda chill, like, "yeah...can I help you?" I screamed and dropped the pot holder on the floor, and the mouse made his get-away.

And if this maintenance inspection doesn't eradicate the problem, then I guess it's up to me to begin the full-on mouse assault. I won't settle for the "nice" mouse traps this time, it'll be snap traps. Not the sticky traps, the last thing I need is a three-legged mouse bleeding all over the place.

Crazy Dead Dog Lady

Yesterday I woke up at 6:45 because I was expecting someone from Comcast to install a DVR box, and I was told they would be there any time between 7 and 10 a.m. Of course they're not going to show up at 7, but I thought I should get up just in case. He didn't get there til 10:45, and I was so bored I actually watched 3 episodes of Full House. The ones where they go to Disney World.

Anyway, my equipment was installed quickly and with no major issues to deal with. It looked like all the rain in the area had a chance of missing Baltimore, and that my football game would actually happen. No luck - we had a half hour downpour that canceled all games. So I just parked on the couch for the rest of the day.

I was watching Celebrity Fit Club when there was a knock at my door. Since there is no peep hole, I cracked the door open to see who it was. It was the crazy lady who lives downstairs. Let me give you a little background on this character.

I don't know her name - I've ever gone out of my way to learn it, and she's never asked me mine. She's made comments to me before, usually complaining about the mailboxes or the laundry room or something similar. One time she made a snide remark about my being a lonely single because I was home on a Tuesday evening, and I chose to ignore her. When I first moved in last July, I noticed that she had a morbidly obese dachsund, and she often let it wander around outside by itself. In downtown Baltimore. On St. Paul Street. Anyway, I noticed that I hadn't seen the dog in a while, but there was also a mysterious box sitting on the curb in front of the building (now referred to as the "Box of Fright"). In late July, it gets quite steamy, and after a few days, the box had a bunch of flies buzzing around and it was....leaking...something. And it smelled really bad. I poked the top of the box off to see what was inside, and it was a garbage bag wrapped around something that was in the shape of a fat dachsund. You can see where I'm going with this.

Anyway, so crazy dead dog lady asks me if she can use my phone because she locked herself out of her apartment. So of course I dial the emergency maintenance weekend line for her. They said they'd be out shortly, and she went away. 10 minutes later she knocked on my door again, asking me if her phone rang. Confused, I asked if she left her phone in my apartment, which makes no sense because her phone was locked in her apartment. No, she wanted to know if my phone had rung, because it sounded like her phone...which also made no sense. I kind of stared at her for a minute, trying to figure out what she was getting at, and then she left.

She came back again another 10 minutes later, not asking if she could use my phone, but instead telling me she needed to use my phone. So I let her, then sat back down to watch tv. While she's on the phone, I hear a rustling sound and I turn to see her taking candy off my coffee table. I didn't realize candy I kept in the privacy of my own apartment was communal to the entire building, but whatever. I didn't argue. Once she finished eating my candy and talking on my phone, she left, and the maintenance guys finally showed up to let her back in her apartment.

And I'm going to see if I can get a peephole installed.

Confession

I went to Radio Shack a few days ago to buy a cable and snuck a Canadian penny into my payment. :-O

The Things You Do When You Live Alone

I'll confess something: I watched Saved by the Bell this morning while I was getting ready for work. It was an episode set in 2003 where the graduating class watches a video from the old Bayside Class of 1993 gang where they recount their favorite memories and share treacly nuggets of knowledge about staying friends forever and how "high school is the best time of your life." (gag.)

Anyway, my favorite part of the episode is that the "Class of 2003" is dressed just like kids in the Class of 1993. They didn't even try to guess how teenagers would be dressing 10 years in the future. And the only thing different about Mr. Belding was that he wore a stick-on moustache and a little bit of grey color was combed through his hair. Real believable.

I think what's more embarassing than actually watching Saved by the Bell is me analyzing it and looking for logic. I should really know better than to do that by now.